The Vampire Diaries Recaps
by annabel lee588
Summary: a recap/review/parody of The Vampire Diaries season two episodes.
1. Bad Moon Rising

The Vampire Diaries "Bad Moon Rising" Recap

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Stefan lived in secret until he met Elena, blah blah blah, the same stuff he says ever week. He's a vampire, he loves Elena, Elena looks like Katherine. Tyler punched Jeremy—What's his problem? I bet Uncle Mason knows. Hi Uncle Mason, gosh you're pretty. Damon thinks the Lockwoods have a family secret, just like every other family on this show. (Vampires, werewolves, witches, secret council of vampire killers—are there normal families in this town?) Mason's eyes go wolflike. Elena loves Stefan always and forever, so Damon has to kill Jeremy. Because killing your love interest's emo brother is the best way to win their affection. Stefan plays the blame game and Katherine is the winner. Elena hates Damon. Sounds like the start of a love story. And Caroline is a vampire.

Now: Alaric, who is being called Rick, even though that sounds nowhere near as badass as Alaric, is at the Salvatore house. Damon offers him coffee, Bourbon, or coffee and Bourbon. Elena and Stefan are sitting on the couch, Elena with a cup of coffee that may or may not have Bourbon in it. If I were her, I'd need a drink or twelve to deal with Damon. Alaric is only there because Elena said she needs his help. His hair is also different, it's longer and wavier. But he's still hot because he's Alaric. Stefan wants to know what's up with the Lockwood family.

And here's Mason, sadly still wearing a shirt. The preview had him half naked in chains, but we aren't there yet. We're at the Lockwood mansion where Mason puts in earphones and walks out the door, sending shifty eyes to the stairs. Is he going somewhere secret? I bet so, since Tyler is following.

Why would Alaric know anything about the Lockwoods? He wouldn't, but his dead, not-dead, vampire wife might. As Damon points out. Alaric looks like he wants to punch Damon. Elena and Stefan talk about Isobel's research, and Alaric says it's rooted in folklore and legend. He thought most of it was fiction. Not all, only most. Like that amazing vampire story. As Damon points out again. Aside from vampires are the lycanthrope. For those in the audience who don't know what that means, Elena is all "Like, werewolves?" Damon's not down with that, because he's never seen one, and therefore they can't exist. Because, you know, 165 years is enough time to see everything that exists on this plant EVER.

Mason jogs through the woods, to some creepy steps, while Tyler follows behind him creepily. Damon's voice reminds us that vervain hurt the mayor and Tyler at Founders Day. Stefan's voice tells us that Mason showed inhuman behavior. Mason runs around somemore, while Tyler follows him some more. It's all very exciting.

Stefan and Elena think Isobels research can help, but all her stuff is still at Duke. Her office is still there and everything. Because the people at Duke wouldn't dare clean out the office of a chick that's been missing for years. That'd be crazy. Damon wants to know if they can get in.

Tyler goes inside the creepy ruins, using only his phone as a flashlight. Apparently, he hasn't watched enough scary movies. Luckily Damon has, and he knows werewolves aren't good. Tyler runs into some sort of metal thingy. Either his ancestors were into bondage, or something weird is going on. I say it's probably both. On the rock are scratches, and the music tells us this is a dramatic moment. So do Tyler's eyes. But in case that wasn't enough, Damon tells us Mason and Tyler are werewolves and he's screwed, albeit using pop culture references. Dun dun dun TITLE CARD

Wow, that took forever. Does it normally take this long to get to the title card?

Matt knocks at Caroline's door. Caroline can't answer because this is the real world, where vampires burn in the sun. So Matt calls and tells her Tyler is doing something and he wants them to spend the whole day together. That sort of implies he'd be hanging with Tyler otherwise, which probably doesn't do anything for Caroline's jealousy issues. But since this episode is all about the Lockwoods, every character has to say Tyler or Mason's name at least once.

Stefan asks Elena is she wants to do 'this'. Elena is all like, "what dig through my dead psycho vampire mom's stuff, or go do it with your dead pyscho vampire brother WHO TOTALLY KILLED MY BROTHER" Okay, so she didn't say that exactly, but it was in the subtext. We'll just paraphrase what they say from now on. That'll be more fun. But Elena is cool with going because 'Rick' is going to be there. And he's the only person who hates Damon as much as she does, so they can bond over that. So she's on a first name basis with her teacher now?

Elena: I wish you were coming instead of your douche-bag brother-killing brother.

Stefan: Maybe we should wait a few days, when I'm not babysitting Caroline and making sure she doesn't kill any carnies Bonnie likes.

Elena: Is it okay I go? Because I need your permission to do anything, even though I'm supposed to be written as an strong, independent girl. If Bella sets back feminism 50 years, I'll set it back 100!

Stefan: Bitch, please. We both know you're the one wearing the pants in this relationship. Look at my dating history. Where Kathrine had the power of compulsion, you have the power of love.

Elena: But you don't like that I'm going with Damon, right? Validate me!

Stefan: I hate it. But I love you more than all the puppies and rainbows and kitties in the world. And now because this is a Delena heavy episode, let's kiss to appease the Stelena fans.

Just a quick side note here: Caroline will be hanging out with Stefan. Caroline who dated Damon, who Elena has feelings for. Caroline who is dating Matt who used to date Elena. Caroline who wanted to hook up with Stefan, before he hooked up with Elena. So their taste in men is like, identical. Either Elena is really trusting, really secure, or really stupid.

Jenna and Alaric are in the doorway, and Alaric is giving that bullshit 'I've been busy' excuse for not seeing Jenna.

Jenna: I'm so glad that my niece has a connection to her dead mother through the guy I'm trying to date who used to be married to her. It's so awesome that you're taking her to poke through your dead wife's stuff.

Alaric: Yep, I love carrying my student who's a minor across state lines. Because that's not at all creepy and the sort of thing that could get me fired. Let me not mention I'm taking that Damon guy you hate along with us.

Then Alaric apologizes for things being 'start and stop' between. Um, Alaric, for things to be start and stop they actually have to start. Jenna calls him on that bullshit, and an awkward moment ensues. Stefan and Elena come down and Elena asks if Jenna is okay. Jenna comments on men and their baggage, and Elena can totally relate. You know, because she looks just like her boyfriend's baggage. And that baggage wants to ruin her life.

Elena eats Stefan's face to annoy Damon, and it's awesome. I love when Elena has these little bitchy moments.

Tyler asks his mom about the old Lockwood place. It burned down to the ground a long time ago, or else they would probably be living in it. Tyler asks about the BDSM cellar. Mommy Lockwood says they were for slaves, but I think she knows more than she is letting on. Mason comes in and asks what they were talking about. Tyler wants to have a party at the swim hole. Mommy Lockwood says that if anything happens on the property, they're liable. She and Mason share a look that may be fraught with significance. Or maybe she just realized how pretty he is.

Stefan tries to get Bonnie to make Caroline a daylight ring. But Bonnie doesn't think she can and doesn't know if she wants to. Bonnie doesn't know if she can trust Caroline not to hurt someone. But she can trust Stefan, because she has a selective memory and has forgotten about a girl named Amber Bradley who was Stefan's chewtoy in that one episode. Or maybe it's just because Caroline killed the only guy who ever hit on her without an ulterior motive. Like kidnapping her to force her to open a tomb full of vampires.

Roadtrip time. Alaric is driving, with Damon in the front seat and Elena in the back. Where she isn't wearing a seatbelt. Even after she's been in two car accidents. One of which killed her parents. But on to the conversation.

Damon: This whole pretending to hate me thing is getting a little silly. This show is based around a love triangle. We both know I'm getting you naked by the end of the season. Or next season. But we're going to do it.

Alaric points out that Damon killed Jeremy. Damon talks about the ring, which Elena knows he didn't know about. Damon asks why she is so sure he didn't know, Elena asks if he did. He says yes, she calls him a bit fat liar. Damon whines "Elena, I saw the ring. It's a big tacky thing, it's hard to miss." (Actual dialogue there.) Alaric wiggles his fingers and looks at his ring, wondering if it makes him look tacky. I bet this whole road trip was awful for him. I can just see him saying "Don't make me pull this car over."

Caroline is on her bed holding an equally tacky ring, and bitching about it. Bonnie isn't putting up with that crap. She lays down the lay, saying if Caroline hurts anyone, she'll despell the ring. Caroline is a vampire, the urge to kill is part of who she is. If she lets it take control, Bonnie will stop her. Is the urge to be a bitch part of who you are Bonnie? Caroline says it best with "Bonnie, you're supposed to be my friend."

Bonnie: Friends? You're a vampire! You're dead to me...oh, wait...You have to prove that you aren't a psycho who kills people when she feels like it. Like I tried to do last week with Damon.

Caroline: I didn't mean to kill the only guy on the show who's ever hit on you without wanting to kidnap you.

Bonnie: He's still not alive to date me. That means the Bamon shippers will keep reading my hatred toward Damon as sexual tension, and I don't have a boyfriend buffer.

Bonnie gets ready to spell the ring, and opens the window. Caroline flinches and Stefan flinches with her. I thought that was cute. Bonnie makes her spell-face, and it's over.

Caroline: That was anti-climatic. No wind, flickering lights, chanting, anything. You just close your eyes and the camera vooms in on your face. It's the same look for every spell. Why do you even have a spell book, if you do the same thing every time you use your powers?

Then Caroline asks if Bonnie has ever done it before, and Stefan says her name in this cute way, like she is a little girl misbehaving. It reminds me of the way my mom used to say my name right before/after I say something I shouldn't. Caroline isn't sure it worked, but to prove it did Bonnie throws open the curtains. Caroline makes a good point when she asks what if it _didn't_ work, but Bonnie leaves Caroline to Stefan. Stefan is about as excited to be stuck with her as Bill was to be with Jessica from True Blood. Hopefully, he'll make a better vampire mentor.

Alaric, Damon, and Elena are at Duke. They meet Vanessa Monroe, who looks very happy to see them. Especially Damon, who she undresses with her eyes. And who can blame her? Alaric introduces everyone and Vanessa has to grab her keys. Vanessa waxes poetic about Isobel, then asks Alaric for an update on her missing status. Alaric lies and says there is no news. They all go inside Isobel's office that is crammed full of dusty old stuff. Vanessa leaves and comes back with a crossbow and shoots at Elena. Damon jumps in front of her and the arrow penetrates him instead. Because the only thing allowed to penetrate Damon is Alaric, Alaric slams Vanessa into the wall. Elena looks at Alaric and Vanessa, shocked. Alaric looks at Vanessa, confused. Vanessa looks at Alaric, turned on. Or maybe that's just me.

Damon has an arrow in his back, Elena is behind him, grossed out but also enjoying his suffering a little, I think. Damon asks her to pull it out, because it hurts. Insert obligatory 'that's what she said' joke here. Elena pulls it out, and she isn't at all gentle about it. That's okay—Damon likes it rough.

Damon: That bitch is dead.

Elena: Ah, you're not going to kill her.

Damon: Watch me.

Elena: You touch her, and I swear I'll never speak to you again.

Damon: What makes you think that has any power over me?

Um, because you told her you had something between you, kissed her, and then killed her brother when she told you she didn't love you? If that wasn't a crime of passion I don't know what is. But Elena doesn't say any of that, probably because Damon answers his own question with saying he took an arrow in the back for her. Because he does that for all the girls, you know. Elena is severely overestimating herself. Elena says she forgot she was speaking to a crazy person who snaps and kills people, and that he can do whatever he wants. Damon says that Elena is trying to manipulate him, and he is correct. And it also works. What girl hasn't used the whole 'do whatever you want, I don't care' thing on her boyfriend? It works like 75 percent of the time.

Meanwhile, Vanessa is freaking out. She thought Elena was Katherine and Damon should have been dead since 1864. She read it in Isobel's research. Alaric would have done the same thing. It isn't possible. Alaric points out that she read the research, so she knows it is. Elena comes in and tells Vanessa who she is, including that she is Isobel's daughter and Katherine's descendent. And she introduces Damon as who he is, and Damon tells Vanessa to be super duper nice to him, or else he'll kill her slowly and painfully. Actually he doesn't say all of that, but it's implied. Elena asks to look at Isobel's research, and Vanessa looks like she'd really like to crawl under a rock and die. Does anyone else think maybe she's up to something? Maybe involved in some nefarious plan to bring doom and destruction?

In the woods, Stefan and Caroline are hunting. Caroline is opposed to eating cute, defenseless, animals. She'd much rather snack on cute, defenseless Matt. Stefan wants Caroline to tell him if she isn't serious about all this. Why Stefan? So you can stake her? What would you really do? Caroline swears she is, but she hasn't been in the sun for days, and everyone else gets to go to Tyler's party, and ZOMG Matt finally told her he loved her after dating all of two weeks and she wants a pony, etc. And Stefan wants her to eat the bunnies and she is kinda freaking out. Stefan laughs, probably at just how adorable Caroline is in this scene. Caroline calls him out on it, and Stefan explains how being a vampire makes you be the version of you on crack.

Stefan: As a human, I was broody, emo and tortured. As a vampire, that got multiplied by a trillion and eleventy-seven.

Caroline: So you're saying that now, I'm basically and insecure, neurotic control-freak on crack?

Stefan wouldn't say it like that, but he does offer to take her to the swimming hole after they hunt. Caroline asks "Really?" in the most adorable of ways. She sounds like a little girl whose daddy just promised to take her to the park, if she finished her all her homework. These two really have nice chemistry, and I hope they have more scenes together. All those Staroline shippers (who are mostly Delena shippers, looking to toss Stefan off on someone) will probably be happy with the Stefan/Caroline this episode.

Back at Duke. Vanessa has a big box, it full of stuff about Katherine. Elena can't believe that'sall, but Vanessa says it is. Elena gives Vanessa some vervain, because there's no one more important to protect from vampires than the girl who just tried to kill her. Seriously Elena, you're too nice sometimes. I think she just likes Vanessa for shooting Damon. Vanessa asks if it'll work, and from across the room, Damon says it doesn't. Vanessa asks if he can hear them, which duh, he just heard you. You're a little slow, aren't you Vanessa? Damon's all "No, that would be creepy." First off, it wouldn't, because he isn't that far away. Second, if you can hear him and you're human, why the hell shouldn't he be able to hear you? Vanessa asks can he read minds. This part is funny. "No, if you want to see me naked, all you have to do is ask." is Damon's answer. Vanessa makes a face, but she looks at Elena for confirmationwhich makes me think she was thinking about seeing him naked. Don't feel bad Vanessa, so was I and about half the people watching the show. Elena assures Vanessa he can't read minds, but he is a jackass. Vanessa puts the vervain in her pocket.

Party time. The party everyone is at. Except Bonnie and Jeremy. I get that Jeremy isn't there, he isn't in this episode at all, but why isn't Bonnie? She seemed pretty interested in the Lockwood family secret at the mayor's wake. Seems like she would be there to check things out. Maybe she's babysitting Jeremy, making sure he doesn't try to kill himself again. Who cares, because there's Tyler and Matt. Tyler has noticed that Aimee Bradley's ass has gotten hotter. This lack of class amuses Matt now that it isn't directed at his sister or mom. Then they decide to talk about Caroline and it goes a little something like this:

Tyler: Where's Forbes?

Matt: I wish I knew.

Tyler: You guys on the outs already?

Matt: No we're fine. I'm fine. I'm just not sure what she is.

Tyler: ….

Matt: Hey, what's your uncle doing here? I was totally trying to emote and talk about my girl problems with the guy who screwed my sister and made out with my mom.

Tyler: Bye Matt.

Tyler walks over to his uncle and asks if he is busting them or joining them. He's a little too old to join them, seeing as they are in high school and he's way too cute to be _that _weird guy that hangs around high school parties when he's an adult. Besides, we already have Damon for that.

Mason: Make sure everyone's out of here by dark.

Tyler: What happens after dark?

Mason: I turn into a werewolf. Haven't you read the spoilers?...I mean, someone dies. In the lake. From drowning. Nothing to do with werewolves and the full moon and me _at all. _

Tyler doesn't want Mason to be a party killer. So adults that try to stop their underage relatives from getting drunk near large bodies of water are party killers now? Here I thought that was just being responsible. But nope, Mason doesn't care if they party, they just can't party there. He and Jenna should start a club: Bad Parenting Incorporated. Caroline's mom can join too. And Elena's Uncle Daddy John. Tyler agrees and Mason drives away while Stefan stares after him full of longing. I mean, curiosity.

Caroline asks why and there's this cute little scene between them where she talks about his serious vampire face, his worried vampire face, and his it's Tuesday face. Stefan deduces that Caroline thinks he is too serious, and these two are so darn cute this episode. I hope they become good friends. You know, since Damon already killed his BFF Lexi. Caroline can be his new best vampire friend.

Aimee Bradley, who may or may not be related to Stefan's chew toy Amber Bradley is flirting with Matt. Caroline will have none of that, and compels her to go find someone single to stalk. Matt is having none of that, and they squabble and he walks away. Caroline sad faces until Stefan comes over to (gently) scold her for compelling Aimee and discuss her jealously issues. Caroline's entire personality is killing her.

At Duke, Damon rapes Elena's personal space. And then tries to manipulate Elena into being his friend for what he knows about Katherine. I don't think Elena needs to know Katherine's cup size, Damon. What could Damon know that Stefan doesn't? Katherine liked Stefan more, she probably told him a lot more. Or not. Who knows with Katherine? Elena calls out Damon on trying to manipulate her. Alaric ignores their fight by showing them something. I love how he was totally not even paying attention to them. Probably to preserve his sanity. Vanessa explains the curse of the sun and moon, which is Aztec. It's this curse because 600 years ago, they were plagued by werewolves and vampires and a shaman made vampires slaves of the sun and werewolves slaves of the moon. Not to nitpick here, but he could have thought of a better curse. Or you know, cured them and made them regular old humans. Or even killed them all. Seriously, how was that curse effective? The can still kill, just less often.

As Vanessa talks, we see Mason going to the BDSM cellar and starts pulling out chains. We go between the two, Mason and Vanessa, but Vanessa's voice keeps telling us all about werewolves. To sum it up: they can't control the change, they change on the full moon and they think vampires are oh-so-yummy, and a werewolf bite can kill a vampire. Because of that, vampires killed off most of the werewolves a long time ago.

Tyler's party. The sun goes down and the moon comes up. Tyler wants people out of here. Matt is mad at Caroline, and Stefan will wait for her to talk to him. Elena calls to tell her boyfriend everything we just learned. We don't have to hear that all again though, because we get to watch Caroline and Matt kiss and make up. Matt don't want no drama, no, no, drama, no, no, no, no drama. He'd rather they go make out in the woods, because he doesn't watch scary movies. The horny kids in the woods always die first Matt. We see the end of the conversation with Elena and Stefan, where she tells him a werewolf bite can kill a vampire. It seems odd she waited to mention that last, but it has dramatic effect as Stefan looks for Caroline and sees she is gone. He tries to call her, but she left her phone behind. Stefan runs off to find Caroline.

In case we didn't know there was a full moon, from the hundred times it's been mentioned, we get shot of it hanging there in the sky. Then Mason shirtless and bound in chains. I had a dream that started that way. He's sweaty and panting. And shirtless. In chains. Take a minute to catch your breath. Okay, back to the recap. Mason pours something into a water bottle. I don't know what it is, maybe something for the morning after? Homemade hangover cures never work Mason, that's like the first thing I learned in college. Mason hears something, what could it be?

It's Tyler with Aimee Bradly. Is it Aimee or Amy or Amie? There's a hundred different ways to spell it. Let's stick with Aimee. Tyler leads her through the woods, much to her dismay. All the way to the creepy ruins.

Aimee: Is this the location for the next Saw movie?

Tyler: It's a room under my family's old estate. No one will know we're down here.

Aimee: That didn't sound rapey and weird at all. But other people are coming right? Right?

Tyler: No, I'm totally raping you down here. Lol, just kidding. Unless you want to hang out all alone in the BDSM cellar.

Aimee: You're single right? This blond chick with too much eye shadow wants me to stalk you.

Tyler: Um, have you met me? Who the hell would date me?

Aimee: Okay, I'm totally stalking you now.

And they go farther into the BDSM cellar, and come to barred doors. Instead of running away like a normal girl, Aimee is unfazed.

Mason runs through the woods, all sweaty and shirtless, abs glistening in the moonlight. Take a minute to visualize. Okay, back to the recap. He tries to chain himself to a tree, but the music goes dramatic and we get a close up of the moon. Then we see Mason grunting and writhing, all shirtless and sweaty and covered in chains. I had a dream that started that way. But poor Mason is crying out in pain, not pleasure. He crawls into the van, all shirtless and sweaty and the van starts to rock. I had a dream that...and that joke is already getting old. Cue dramatic music and close up of the moon, and back to the van and we hear a growl.

Elena is shuffling through papers and we see a surprisingly well-preserved picture of Katherine. I mean, it's almost like they took it in 2009 and tried to make it look old. Elena asks Vanessa about doppelgangers, and Vanessa tells her what she already knows, that doppelgangers try to ruin their look alike's life. Elena wants to know why they look alike. Damon says it's a head-scratcher and Elena wants to know if he knows anything, or is only being himself. Alaric makes a face, and I can't tell if he is amused or annoyed with these two. I think mostly he doesn't want to get in the middle of it. Elena tells Damon that friends don't manipulate friends, they help each other. Which is manipulation at it's finest. Props to Elena.

Back at the rape cellar, formerly known as the BDSM cellar, Tyler and Aimee are making out. Aimee says no and Tyler hears yes. She can't. She's not into it. Tyler wants to know why she came with him. Because nothing sets the mood like old abandoned, creepy ruins. Why wouldn't a girl want to get ravished in a place that could pass as a serial killer's lair? It's not because they're in the least romantic place on Earth, or that Tyler is the least romantic guy on Earth—it's because she likes Matt. Poor Tyler. His little mind is all twisted by that. He likes a girl that prefers Matt, I wonder if this foreshadowing some Tyler/Caroline/Matt love triangle.

In the woods, Stefan approaches the van and eyes stare back at him, before jumping straight through the glass and knocking Stefan on his back. And it keeps running? Seems like it'd be easier to attack Stefan now, but whatevs.

Back at Duke. Alaric trusts Vanessa not to say anything to anybody. Because the trust method works so much better than the having a vampire erase your memory method. Damon doesn't believe in trust, so he threatened to kill her in her sleep if she tells anyone. Vanessa shares this with Alaric, who laughs. Nothing funnier than death threats, those are real knee-slappers, there. The rest of their little talk is like this:

Vanessa: If you need anything, you'll call. Anything. At all. Like my body.

Alaric: I'm going to pretend not to notice you flirting with me. And I'm not calling you. I already have a love interest.

Vanessa: I'm trying to get in your pants man. Pay attention here. Look at my flirty eyes.

Alaric: You don't wanna get caught up in this, blah blah blah, I'm so tortured.

Vanessa: You're dead wife was totally killed by vampires, wasn't she?

Alaric: She wanted to become a vampire and she did. It was always about her wants and her needs...

Vanessa: So, you're available right?

Alaric: I'll ignore that obvious fishing for information...by brooding about my undead wife. And how I'm totally over her...but I'm still not into you.

While Alaric is being flirted with, Elena and Damon are at the car. Damon thinks Elena can't hate him forever, Elena disagrees. To earn back her friendship, Damon gives her a book labeled Petrova. Katherine originally came from Europe and Petrova was her real name. Elena wants to know how Damon knows, and the answer is that back in the day he was one of those snoopy boyfriends. I bet he's one of those guys who check their girlfriends email and read their text messages. Damon wants Elena to tell him what she finds out. Before Elena can get in the car, Damon gives this speech about how Elena has the right to hate him, but she hated him before and they became friends. He wants to know if he lost her forever. Elena doesn't say he has or hasn't, she just thanks him for the book. I think she didn't answer because she hasn't decided.

In the woods, Caroline and Matt are making out. Matt hears something, but all Caroline can hear is the sound of her hormones. She shoves Matt against a tree and attacks his face, all sloppy and desperate. Matt isn't complaining until he gets cut. Caroline sees all his yummy, yummy blood and can't resist. She bites his wrist, then his neck, until Stefan shows up to save the day. They hear the growly sound of a werewolf approaching. Stefan says they have to lead it from Matt, so Caroline and him run until Caroline stops them and asks what it is. Stefan tells her it is a werewolf and it can kill them.

During this scene, Stefan and Caroline are kind of grabbing unto each other, as people are wont to do when something is chasing them through a big scary woods. Tyler spots them and asks what they are doing. I think he gets the wrong impression here, seeing as he just lead a girl through the woods to make-out. And that's pretty much the only reason for a guy and girl to be alone in the woods at night. Stefan doesn't answer, and instead asks Tyler what's he doing, probably because he thinks he may be a werewolf. Stefan even sort of steps in front of Caroline, like he's going to protect her. Unfortunately, the werewolf jumps out of nowhere and knocks Caroline down, snarling and drooling over her. Stefan and Tyler both move closer, but Stefan is the one who knocks it off of her. Which is good, because I don't think Tyler would have been able to stop it, physically. Luckily, all he has to do is scream "No!" at it, and it takes off.

Caroline compels Matt to forget she tried to eat him, and then asks about Tyler. Stefan says he'll take care of him. Stefan wants to get Matt some vervain, and Caroline can't believe she hurt him because he is the one person on the whole planet she never wanted to hurt. Really Caroline? What about your parents? Or Elena and Bonnie? Okay, maybe not Bonnie since she's being a bitch this episode. Then Caroline and Stefan talk about whether they should be with the people they love, Matt and Elena. They both know they shouldn't, but Stefan can't leave Elena.

Tyler is over at the van and Mason comes from the woods, all naked and covered in dirt. Somehow, he still looks hot. Mason puts on his pants—I know, I was disappointed too—and him and Tyler have a moment of staring at each other. Tyler knows that the wolf was Mason, and Mason doesn't deny it. This is why I love this show, it doesn't drag out these things forever. Mason doesn't exactly explain anything to us, but probably because there are only four minutes left in the show. So another episode then.

This next scene is heartbreaking. Aimee Bradley is talking with Matt, and Caroline goes over and acts like a crazy jealous girlfriend and gets Matt to dump her. I love that she does this, because in a way it proves that she is both stronger and smarter than Stefan. She is strong enough to walk away to protect the person she loves, something Stefan has tried and failed to do. And maybe they'll be back together next week, but I hope not. All Caroline wants is someone to love her, it's all she has ever wanted and the fact that she is willing to give it up in order to protect him shows a new depth to her character. She still loves him, and she isn't going to get anything back for it. It's nice to see Caroline be selfless. And the way they break up shows she is smarter than Stefan. She makes Matt dump her instead of dumping him. If she dumped him, he'd be right back at her door in a few days, trying to win her over again. He wouldn't accept it, the same way Elena wouldn't if Stefan did it to her.

At the Gilbert's Alaric kisses the hell out of Jenna. He says he should have done it in the morning. Then they kiss again. I sure hope Jeremy or Elena don't walk in on that. Family members and teachers are not figures to be thought of in sexual situations. Especially together.

On the porch, Elena tells Damon things aren't the way they were before. Damon thinks he chipped a little off her wall of hatred. Elena needs to know the truth about Jeremy. Damon tells it: he didn't see the ring, he got lucky. And he's sorry. Because being sorry makes it all better. Elena thanks him for being honest and tells him he has lost her forever. Which we know is a lie, because the Delena shippers are over half the fan base and the CW can't afford to loose the ratings. Damon accuses Elena of already knowing that, and using him. I honestly think that she didn't decide for sure until she heard the truth about not seeing the ring, and she's just going along with this to hurt Damon, because he hurt her. But Elena says that he had information she needed. Damon quotes her earlier remark about friends not manipulating friends. It's kind of a moot point though, seeing as they weren't friends when she said it and aren't friends while he is saying it now. Then Damon goes for the jugular, metaphorically that is, and tells Elena she has a lot more in common with Katherine than her looks. Elena stupidly lets him make her feel bad with the comparison. Elena, the guy killed your brother—his words should loose the power to hurt you. Besides, you can't play fair with Damon. He's Damon. Play fair with him and you'll loose every time.

Caroline is asleep. Katherine is lurking evilly. How'd she get in there? Guess Liz let her in. Or something. Caroline wakes up and thinks it is Elena. When she figures out it's Katherine she is scared. As she should be, since Katherine killed her. Katherine tells her not to be frightened, and that they are going to have fun together. Because she is Katherine, that sounds about 30 percent like a lesbian come-on. Katholine is a horrible couple name though, so I won't ship them. All we know is Katherine wants to use Caroline in her evil plan. So Caroline is probably going to be dead by the end of the season.

Just a quick note. I looked up the last name Petrova and couldn't find anything. I did find something on Petrov though, which Petrova is a variant of. It's a Russian and/or Bulgarian name. For more info on it go here: h t t p : / / w w w . s u r n a m e d b . c o m / S u r n a m e / P e t r o v (You'll have to remove the spaces, the website won't show the link.)


	2. Memory Lane

The Vampire Diaries "Memory Lane" Recap

Previously on the Vampire Diaries: For over a century, Stefan has lived in secret. Hey, coming out was hard in those days...oh wait, he's just a vampire. And he loves Elena, who looks just like Katherine who he was totally never in love with. NEVER. Katherine thinks he doth protest too much. Mason Lockwood has arrived in Mystic Falls, making fan-girl hearts squee across the world. He wants an ugly moonstone, that isn't nearly as ugly as Emily Bennet's ugly ass necklace. The Lockwoods have a family secret. Mason is a werewolf, and he sure looks nice covered in dirt. I do love dirty boys. Caroline is a vampire, thanks to Damon's blood and Katherine's mad pillow fighting skills. She is so not invited to my next slumber party. Katherine and Caroline are going to have so much fun together. Get your minds out of the gutter, not _that _kinda fun.

Now: Lockwood Manson. Stefan is partying like it's 1864. Probably because it is. He and Katherine dance, and bask in the simple intimacy of the near touch. Staring at them, Damon looks like he'd like to experience some intimacy as well. Actually, he just looks a little constipated. I know Damon, it makes me sick to my stomach too. All these girls choosing Stefan over you. I mean, it isn't like you're a serial killer or something...oh, wait, makes perfect sense. But that's okay, Damon's found someone else as Katherine oh-so-smugly tells Stefan. It's Elena, who is very Katherine-ish here. She and Damon walk off, while Katherine tries to make Stefan stop. Of course, he cannot resist the lure of Elena, so he has to follow. He walks out the door...

...and ends up in the Mystic Grill. Is this the only place to hangout in all of Mystic Falls? I mean, come on show. I grew up in a small town, and not everyone hung out at the same place. You can't expect us to believe the cheerleaders and football players hang out in the same place as the druggies, or that the druggies hang out in the sort of place the Mayor or the Sheriff may breeze into. But this is obviously a dream, so we can ignore logic. Much like this show chooses to do on a weekly basis.

Elena is holding a pool stick, and says "It's your turn." Raise your hand if you think she's talking to Stefan. No one? Didn't think so. Good because she is talking to Damon who says "Be prepared to loose." Ha, for double meanings. We all know he means the contest for Elena's heart. He and Elena kissy face...and it isn't at all exciting. Or sexy. Which probably just makes it worse. It's one of those kisses people who have been dating awhile give each other, there's a familiarity to it that speaks more than passion could. Or so is my interpretation. Katherine talks about how it hurts and now he knows how she feels. Whatever Katherine. You were doing him and his brother and waited 145 years to hunt him down. If you loved him so damn much, you could have at least called. Emailed. Texted. Facebooked. Posted a tweet. Something. She's totally that ex that doesn't want you back until you've moved on with someone else. Who hasn't had one of those?

Katherine tells Stefan not to fight it, he loved her once he can love her again, while Damon and Elena act disgustingly coupley. Damon actually kisses her on the cheek. That does not fit in with my view of Damon at all. The bad boys are never the ones who kiss you on the cheek. But whatever, because we have more kissing action going on. Katherine kisses Stefan after her whole "We'll be together again." line. That line is so cliché. Luckily, this kiss is has way more passion than the Delena kiss. You can see Stefan trying not to want it, and you can see him hate himself for enjoying it.

Stefan wakes up all horror movie style, as if Katherine had just done something crazy like stab him with a vervain dart instead of kissing him. Laying in bed with him is Katherine, who he thinks is Elena. Until he realizes it isn't. His 'oh shit' face is hilarious here. He super speeds away from the woman in his bed.

Why are Salvatore brothers so opposed to getting Katherine into bed? Stefan has Elena, so it makes since. But Damon had to stop the action when he was with her to _talk about his feelings. _Like that couldn't have waited thirty minutes. Katherine is grinning at him, all cat that ate the canary and says she's getting better at this. So, has she tried this before sometime we didn't see offscreen?

Title Card.

Katherine: It was easy to get inside your head.

That's probably because it's empty, dear. If not for happy thoughts of Elena and self-loathing angst-bunnies, nothing would be bouncing around in there. Katherine wants to know if he has 'forsaken' his nature. No Katherine, he cannot be forsaken. Because he's not the only one. They walk amongst you, feeding, raping. Must he hide from everyone? (Does anyone even know that song reference? 'Queen of the Damned' was so long ago, and so inferior to 'Interview with the Vampire.')

Stefan tries to smack a bitch up, but Katherine's pimp hand is stronger than his. She could rip him to shreds and do her nails at the same time. As she tells him, in the most awesomely bitchy way ever. I do love the crazy psycho chick. But what does Katherine want? Why is she back in town? Stefan, Stefan, Stefan. Stefan can't get that down. It kinda gets stuck in his throat. I promised myself I wouldn't make a dirty joke here, so feel free to substitute your own. Katherine knows that inside his gorgeous body, deep inside, is the Stefan that fell in love with her too. You mean the Stefan with a personality?

Okay, I'm not trying to knock Stefan here but he's the good vampire and it's a role that gets a little redundant. The good vampire/bad vampire thing is a TV trope now. It's everywhere. Stefan vs Damon, Angel vs Spike, Bill vs Eric, Louis vs Lestat, the Cullens vs all other vampires. There needs to be one to balance out the other and this season, it's nice to see that Stefan has more of a dark side and that Damon has more of softer, vulnerable side. And I love this show because just when Stefan starts to bore me with his goody-two shoes act, they go and make him do something completely unexpected. Like he shall soon do.

Over to the Mystic Grill, the only business up in running in Mystic Falls. (I wonder if they serve mystic pizza there.) This is place is more overused than the Talon on Smallville. At least Elena doesn't own it and run it while in high school. Elena is flipping through the Petrova book and Damon sneaks up on her and startles her. There conversation goes like this:

Elena: What the fuck are you doing here?

Damon: This is where you and everyone else spend your time, when you aren't stabbing people in the back (with vervain darts.)

Elena: I pwned you, bitch. Get over it.

Damon: Why are you leaving? Why do they always leave me?

Elena: My name is Elena Gilbert, you killed my brother prepare to...be ignored.

Damon: I'll see you at Jenna's BBQ.

Elena: Say wha...

Damon: It was my idea. I wanna 'get to know' Mason. Jenna's gonna be my wing man. I told Rick to tell Jenna to tell Mason to tell-

Elena: Um, like, Jenna hates you. You _so_ aren't invited.

Damon: I have peach cobbler and my good looks. And if that fails, tequila. Lots of tequila.

Elena: What are you up to?

Damon: I'm going to use silver to prove Mason is a werewolf, even though that creepy Vanessa chick never mentioned anything about silver being in the legend. And I haven't checked first to see if it'll work. Because silver always works, right? Yep, it always works.

At the Lockwood Manson, Mason is about to leave while Tyler is asking him if he has a second. Tyler, the guy lives there. Why wait until he is at the door to talk to him? Characters, you can't go and start withholding crucial information. We've seen what happens on shows were the characters don't tell what they know to each other. Do you want the smoke monster to kill you?

Mason: Nope, I have to go to that barbeque at this woman I haven't spoken to in seven year's house. Not that I'm avoiding you or anything.

Tyler: It'll take like two minutes. You can't keep dodging me. You're worse than Aimee at the BDSM cellar. I'm having a hissy fit here.

Mason: What do you want me to say? It's me, not you. This wolf thing, I mean. Because there isn't any creepy homoerotic subtext between us.

Tyler: Please, this is the CW. All male family members are hoyay. Have you watched Supernatural? And oh yeah, how do you know that? What aren't you telling me?

Mason: You aren't going to trigger it. Your dad didn't know. I didn't know until it happened to me.

Tyler: How does it get triggered? Not that I want to you know, trigger it or anything. That'd be crazy.

Mason: Ignorance is bliss. Trust me, I know. You can be as ignorant as you want when you're this pretty.

Tyler: Dude, I was stalking you last week. You expect me not to ask questions?

Mason: I know something you don't know, nah nah-nah nah nah. It's better you don't know. And I know now that you will totally drop it, because teenagers always respond to the 'I'm doing what's best for you' thing.

Tyler: You ever find that moonstone? Ha! I know something you don't know.

Then there is some more talk about the moonstone, where Mason tries to play like it isn't important. Because reverse psychology always works on teenagers too. Then Mason leaves and Tyler pulls out the moonstone, trying to think of some way to use it to get information from Mason. Poor Tyler, we know thinking is hard for him. Even harder than it is for Stefan. He still isn't quite as stupid as Jeremy, who wants to make friends with guys that recently killed him. And dates girls who can kill him and tried to kill his sister. Hey, Vicki did try to kill Elena and Damon did kill Jeremy. Plus Anna kidnapped Elena. Maybe it's all fair that Elena ends up with Damon after that whole killing Jeremy thing. Tyler, you are officially not the stupidest guy in Mystic Falls anymore, the crown has been passed to Jeremy. Who is once more absent from this episode. Where the hell is he anyway?

Katherine is reading Stefan's journal. He doesn't seem too upset. You know, when I was young I used to post fake entries in my journal just to make sure my parents and brother didn't read it. Seeing as how my mom never did ask about my snorting coke and making out with my best friend of the same gender, I figured she never read it. I only mention this because I wonder if Stefan may have done the same thing with his journal, leaving it out in plain sight with things written in it specifically to freak Katherine out. Probably not, because he takes it from her and gives her some blood instead from Damon's stock. It doesn't really look like blood at all. It looks sort of like cranberry juice.

Katherine: I forgot you were on the Edward Cullen diet. And that you recently spotted Jacob running around. That must have surprised you. Only you, not the audience who knew werewolves were coming since season 1.

Stefan: Werewolves? I'm totally team Jacob. Stupid Edward Cullen stealing my fan girls.

Katherine: What do you know about fan-girls? I know not to pet them, but do you? Like werewolves, their bite can kill. Stay away from them during the full moon. And anytime, really.

Stefan: How do you know? You don't have fans, you're the villain.

Katherine: Who do you think was responsible of ridding this town of vampires in 1864?

Stefan: The fan-girls?

Katherine: Them too. And...

Stefan: The Lockwoods. Damn, that Mason was so pretty. Even prettier than Jacob.

Katherine: Let's have a flashback now. This scene is getting boring.

Founder's Ball, back in the day. Stefan and Katherine are standing together and Damon toasts his 'good friend' George Lockwood. Damon thinks him for 'bravely defending the South.' (Considering the South looses, he didn't do too good of a job defending anything.) George proceeds to eye-fuck Damon, perhaps looking to see if his South shall rise again. And then he says that he is honored and someone had to do it. I agree George, someone should do Damon at every opportunity available. And that person should feel honored, because he is pretty. But that was kinda a weird look you just gave him. Like you were the big bad wolf and wanted to eat him up. Damon clinks their glasses together and fake smiles. I haven't seen smiles that fake since my senior prom pictures.

Katherine and Stefan toast too, and Henry comes to talk to Katherine. Ah, Henry, we barely knew ye. He pulls Katherine aside to tell her that some people are dead, but vamps didn't do it. Katherine thinks this is good, until Henry tells her they were effed up worse than the vampires would have effed them up. Katherine knows this means the founding families will start an investigation and Henry wants to run. Katherine says she won't let anything happen to them. You lie, Katherine. But she does lie so well. She almost seemed like Elena there, with the sincerity in which she lied. Not saying that Elena is a liar, but she just so reeks of honesty that everything she does seems sincere. And Katherine very much seemed like an Elena of sorts to Henry there. It brings to mind what Damon said about them being alike. Maybe he is more right than we thought.

Dramatic music plays as Katherine and George make eyes at each other. And not the same sexy eyes George made at Damon. They know each other's secret. Katherine knew George would be trouble the minute she set eyes on him. If only Stefan and Damon had the sense to figure that out about Katherine. Stefan might have married some nice girl and Damon might have run off with George.

Stefan and Katherine talk about werewolves, and it's all a big exposition dump. All the Lockwoods aren't werewolves, but they carry the gene. Not many are left. Mostly they are just in bad movies. Like Twilight. Katherine doesn't mention it specifically, but you know she's thinking of it. I would love to see Katherine and Damon watch Twilight together and rag on it. They could make a whole episode of that and I wouldn't mind.

After dumping this pile of info on us, Katherine asks why Stefan kept a picture of her. It is a good question, seeing as Stefan claims he never loved her. He could say he kept it to throw darts at. I kept a picture of my ex for that reason. (I was 13, I was allowed to be immature.) Instead Stefan says nothing, letting Katherine mess with his head. She thinks he came back to fall in love with her all over again. Um, what about Zach? Didn't Stefan swing by to see him from time to time? Before Damon oh-so-stupidly killed him, leaving all other vampires free to enter their house without invitation. And because it was his home, before Katherine. But in Katherine's world everything is all about her. And in Stefan's everyone's a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies.

Romantic music chimes in the background as Stefan super speeds over to Katherine. There is some intense eye contact, and Stefan stroking her face. Stefan says "What is it about you, that makes me still care?" And it seems 100 percent genuine. Stefan looks at her mouth, then back to her eyes and gives a little shake of his head. Katherine goes in for this kiss, and it all seems so real and so emotional that when Stefan stabs her in the back with vervain, you almost want to hate him. Katherine is shocked and falls unto the couch, while Stefan looks at her with a look on his face almost as wild as when he told Amber Chew-toy Bradley that he was freaking hungry. I do have to mention, that Stefan directed her to fall on the couch not the floor. That seems a bit counter-productive to the not caring about her thing.

Stefan carries Katherine into the Salvatore cellar and chains her up. The Lockwood cellar is already the BDSM cellar, what should we call this one? Let's go with Torture Chamber, as nothing pleasant ever seems to happen down here. Damon starving, Zach dying, Caroline being mind-raped and chased, Stefan being put in time out, Elena waiting outside while Stefan suffers. A lot of stuff has happened here. This place is almost as popular as the Mystic Grill.

Stefan goes all bad ass on her, and wants to know why she came back to Mystic Falls. Katherine says he doesn't have to do this, sounding like one of those sad Lifetime women who get beaten up by their men on a weekly basis. She came back for him. Stefan tells her they are going to play by his rules now. I think he is enjoying this role reversal a bit too much. Maybe if he wasn't a doormat, he wouldn't get kicks out of torturing his ex. Most people only dream of torturing their ex, so few get to actually do so.

Because torture can be romantic, here's Katherine and Stefan's new theme song: h t t p : / / w w w . yo u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v =T y t G O e I W 0 a E

Stefan puts on some gloves and pulls off some vervain. I wonder if this show uses real vervain. It doesn't look like what comes up when you Google it. Then again, the CW uses Bing, so who knows? Maybe Bing images have it looking like that. Stefan holds it to Katherine's face and it burns her and Katherine makes a lot of noises as if she is hurt. Stefan's hand is around Katherine's throat, which seems stupid. Vampires don't need to breath to live, but they do need it to speak like everyone else. It doesn't seem the best method of extracting information, and it isn't all that threatening. Stefan wants Katherine to tell him the truth. Katherine is surprised he is torturing her now. Guess he hasn't forsaken his nature after all. Stefan is willing to do whatever it takes to get the truth. And he realizes how stupid choking a vampire is, so he lets Katherine go. Katherine sighs, like this just an annoying tantrum he is throwing. Katherine starts with later that night at the Founder's ball, but Stefan doesn't want to hear about the past. Katherine tells him that he does, and Stefan doesn't argue because his women always know what he wants better than he does.

Back to 1864. Katherine is all alone and George the Creeper comes up behind her and comments on it. He sounds sort of like that fraternity guy you wouldn't leave your drink sitting by at a party. George wants to know if he can have her all to himself. Oh George, no man will ever have Katherine all to himself. She's kind of a ho, but we love her for it. Who would want to choose between the brothers Salvatore if they could have both? It's so much better cause you know you've got the best of both worlds.

Katherine thinks George's Daddy out did himself. George says knowing his father he'll want to throw a Founder's party every year. As long as the show doesn't make me watch one every season, I'm cool with that. This next conversation is the best part of the flashbacks. I might not even paraphrase that much as I type it.

Katherine: I admit, I'm surprised you'd come looking for me.

George: Because you're the rope in the Salvatore brother's tug of war?

Katherine: No, because I'm a vampire who could kill you in your sleep.

George: I beg your pardon? (That translates into 'What the fuck?' in the old south English.)

Katherine: Relax George, I know you know my secret.

George: This conversation is over.

Then George tries to storm off like some diva, and Katherine grabs his arm and tells him she knows his secret too. No, not about you and Damon. She knows that he is strong, but not as strong. He's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. George wants to know how Katherine knows, and she says she wouldn't settle into town without knowing her enemies. I don't think this is entirely true, because why would she settle there knowing there were werewolves? That's not smart, so I think she's bluffing. She didn't know at first, she just figured it out along the way. But George can't read her poker face. He asks what she wants.

Back to the Torture Chamber. Stefan wants to know what George wanted. Katherine doesn't answer, so Stefan pulls up a chair and glares at her. I noticed he left the door open for all of this. That bothers me, because part of holding someone against their will is to not let them think they can escape. Unless his plan is to show her that freedom is so close, yet so far away, in which case it's awesome.

Now we are at the Gilbert house. Elena and Jenna are in the kitchen, and Elena looks pissed off. At the beginning of this show, I was worried about Nina Dobrev's acting chops, but she's really better than I thought.

Elena: Thanks for letting me invite Caroline. Hanging out here with the guy that abused her and played with her brain like a bouncy ball is sure to make her feel all better about breaking up with Matt.

Jenna: Why is hell is Damon coming to my party again?

Elena: Because Alaric is hitting that. Be nice.

Jenna: I'll be nice when Damon keeps his paws off you. And my man.

Elena: If only you knew what he did to Jeremy...

Mason comes out of nowhere, saying he has good news. He found the shot glasses. Elena decides that is her exit, because no one likes to be around parental figures as they get drunk. Jenna and Mason are definitely not good at this role model thing. Ten minutes there and Jenna is already back under the bleachers. She was under the bleachers with Mason? Lucky bitch. Except Mason didn't steal booze from his dad today. I love how in television everyone gets away with that, while in real life if I so much as swiped a can of beer my dad was all over it.

Alaric comes in and sees Mason has the expensive stuff, and he likes him already. Damon is going to be so jealous. Mason is just happy to be invited. Jenna says they should thank Rick, because it was his idea. Can't they just say Alaric? It's a cool name. Or at least, it's uncommon enough to make it cool-ish. Mason is surprised. Mason, you just don't know Alaric's gift for getting involved in shit that is over his head. Alaric says something about meeting Jenna's old high school friends and digging up dirt, but that just sounds like he's being a nosy boyfriend. Mason admits he has dirt. Jenna is so funny here "I have no secrets, only dirty shame." Which pretty much sums up my college experience. If that was her high school one, I don't want to know what she did once she went off to school. She was so that girl who got drunk and danced on the stripper pole. Everyone toasts to dirty shame. I bet between these three, there's enough dirty shame to fill the ocean.

Damon comes in and it's an awkward moment. Jenna says his name, much like the way she once said Uncle Daddy John's. Alaric tries to play peacemaker and offers to get Damon a shot glass. And he calls him buddy. I know I pick on their hoyay, but they are so cute with their hateful little bromance. Jenna ignores Alaric's obvious play for civility, and gives Damon her shot glass and marches out. Alaric follows her to work his magic. How the hell did he even convince Jenna to let him invite Damon? I can imagine it involved nudity and the sexual favors.

Damon tells Mason Jenna doesn't like him much. Because there is no better way to get people to like you than point out that other people don't like you. I think it earns him some pity though, because Mason introduces himself and they shake hands. Mason says he heard great things about him. Considering the only people he could be talking to were Elena, Caroline, or Jenna seeing as Alaric just made it in, I doubt that is true. Damon knows this as well, and admits that he is a dick.

Outside on the porch, Elena is trying to call Stefan. Did he get her message? Probably not because he's busy torturing Katherine. Caroline comes out with a huge bowl of chips. Elena is worried about Stefan, but Caroline is sure he is fine. More important is that she can't stop eating. Stefan says it helps with the cravings. Good thing Caroline never smoked, she'd be one of those smokers who quit and gained fifty pounds. Caroline complains about how hard it is to fight the urge for blood. Elena says that Stefan hates that part. Is there a part of it he doesn't hate Elena? Caroline pretty much tells Elena that Stefan wants to drink her blood, and when Elena asks if Stefan said it and Caroline avoids saying yes or no by telling her that the desire to rip out her jugular is there. Oh Caroline, you are so wonderfully tactless. I do love that about you, as a sufferer of the foot-in-mouth disease myself. In case we forgot, Caroline says that's why she had to break up with Matt, so she wouldn't eat him. Elena looks like someone ran over her puppy, then reversed and ran over it again while she watched. Luckily, Alaric comes out to say the food is ready and Elena gets an escape clause from this conversation.

Back in the Torture Chamber. Stefan is a little too glib when he threatens Katherine they can stay there as long as it takes, and there is a tomb with her name on it. Why not just drop her in the BDSM cellar, Stefan? Let Mason take care of her. Katherine isn't happy that she is doing all the talking. She wants to know if Stefan pretends to be human around Elena. Stefan lies and says he doesn't pretend to be anything. Like that time he pretended not to be drinking human blood. Or all that time before Elena figured out what he was. It wasn't much time, for sure, but he was pretending. Katherine is in full crazy ex mode, asking Stefan if Elena knows that he loves her. Elena isn't stupid, so she probably understands that Stefan can both hate and still feel something for Katherine at the same time. The relationship dynamics are interesting this year, because Katherine/Stefan=Damon/Elena. They parallel each other, the same way that Alaric/Isobel did to Damon/Katherine last season.

Of course, Stefan denies loving her. And it's sad that he does, because even if it is true something about the way he says makes it feel like a lie. The same lie he has been telling himself for years, that he never loved her and doesn't love her. It's the simple thing to do at the end of a relationship, to pretend none of it meant anything but it isn't the way to move on. To get closure he has to admit to himself that he did love her once, because saying that he didn't means he never let himself feel the full pain of loosing her because it wasn't a pain he had to feel, if he didn't love her it couldn't hurt. So for the last 145 years he's been carrying around this ache, this pain that he refuses to suffer through, so he keeps it all bottled up and it's going to come rushing out soon.

Another flashback. Stefan takes Katherine home. Katherine is going to stay in Mystic Falls as long as she is wanted. Stefan reminds us about that fire that Katherine supposedly lost her family in. I wonder if we are going to learn that Katherine tried to kill her last vampire family in some fire. In the books, she and the vampire who made her didn't exactly end things on good terms. Those terms being she tried to kill him.

Stefan goes on to confess his love for Katherine. Except this love is a lie too, because he's not in love with Katherine, he's in love with the role Katherine is playing. He looks at her and sees an angel, which is what people should see. The poor girl who lost her family in the fire. Stefan kisses her and Katherine tells him there is so much he doesn't know about her. Stefan says there is more to learn and love, and this is probably the saddest love story ever. Stefan loved the parts of Katherine he knew, up until she revealed her darker nature. Those were the parts he couldn't deal with, the parts that scared him. He had to be compelled to not be afraid. Elena saw Stefan for what he was, good and bad and decided all by herself that he was worth loving, that she cared enough to move past the fear. Katherine robbed Stefan of that choice, so there is no way for Stefan to ever sort out what was real and what he did and felt thanks to her.

This confession of love surprises Katherine. I think this is the moment she realizes that she is in love with Stefan. She tells him goodnight, to find Damon waiting for her. Damon kisses her, and Katherine is less pleased than any normal girl would be. She isn't happy to see Damon and plays the 'I'm tired' card on him and tells him to go. Damon asks if Stefan's confession overwhelmed her and cutely kisses her gloved hand. Katherine is mad at him for eavesdropping. Like she has any right to be mad at him, when she is screwing both him and his brother. That pretty much give leeway for all sorts of things. Damon asks if his love isn't enough. Wow, this Damon is a little needy, isn't he? Katherine doesn't want to deal with his insecurities, so she compels him to leave. Maybe Katherine/Damon equals Damon/Caroline, instead of Isobel/Alaric. That whole spill about his love not being enough reminds me of Caroline's "I'd do anything for you" speech to Damon after she couldn't get Bonnie to give her the necklace last season. Damon leaves and Katherine turns around and touches her lips and smiles.

Katherine's voice begins to say that Stefan can torture her and hold her captive but it will never change the truth. She never compelled him to love her. It was real. And so was her love for him. Stefan looks at her, eyes teary. I just want to give him a hug, he looks so sad.

At the Gilberts', Damon is drawing a wolf in a tutu. Jenna and Caroline are calling out guesses. Caroline seems to be having fun, considering she is with Damon, her teacher, a guy she's probably never met except when he was slobbering over her trying to kill her, and Aunt Jenna. Jenna is getting really into this game. She'd totally be on my team if I were playing this. Mason guesses it right, dances with wolves. Alaric, Jenna and Caroline all swivel their heads to look at him and not just to stare at the pretty. Damon lets us know Mason won again.

Elena and Damon are there and Damon announces that Jenna is getting tipsy. Elena wants him to stop plying Jenna with alcohol. Buzzkill. Damon funnily remarks that he wants Jenna to like him. Booze does make liking people easier. Elena asks about 'operation Lockwood' and Damon gets all up in her personal space and says they are BFFs. His mouth is oh-so-close to touching Elena and Elena is not very happy about it. Jenna comes in and saves Elena from more close-talking. Damon seriously needs to learn about personal boundaries—he is always stepping inside someone's personal bubble. Damon tries to be nice to Jenna and thanks her for inviting him, and Jenna doesn't bother trying to be polite and points out she didn't have a choice. Damon is still trying to charm his way into her good graces, by saying he knows what she must think of him. Jenna says he can't because he never dated him, and she has dated many of hims. I'm actually pretty sure Damon 'dated' himself a few times, Jenna. During those lonely nights before George or Katherine. Damon calls himself a work in progress, then get's distracted by the shiny. The shiny being Jenna's mom's silver set.

Back to the Torture Chamber. Stefan makes the Forehead of Brooding face, while Katherine says "Hearing the truth after a century of denial must be overwhelming." Desperate, Stefan almost pleads for Katherine to lie to him "It wasn't real, I remember you compelling me." Katherine only compelled him after he saw who she really was, he was so afraid she had to take away his fear. Did you have to Katherine? No, you didn't. You did it because you were too selfish to loose him due to the fact you're a monster. Stefan says that the feelings he had then turned to hate. Katherine says "Love. Hate. Such a fine line." She sounds like she knows from experience. I so hope that the vampire who turned her comes into play this season. Then Katherine adds that she can wait.

Katherine is as tired of this talking about feelings as I am, so she goes to tell us that George, the big Bad Wolf was killing people and blaming it on the vampires. But he was willing to strike a deal. Stefan wants to know what kind of deal, and Katherine tells him it was to rid the town of vampires.

Back to 1864. George is telling Katherine that the round up is tonight, and Katherine is callous as she tells him to make sure they do a body count. 27 vampires. George tells her how he is going to set her free. Katherine wants everyone to believe that she died in the fire.

Back to the Torture Chamber. Stefan is all up in arms that Katherine would be willing to let her entire vampire family die. Katherine sold them out without blinking. Bitch is cold.

Over at the Gilbert house. Damon tries to get Mason to cut some pie using the silver knife, which Mason avoids using his hand and says he's an animal, after Alaric gives him a Significant Look. Instead of asking about that, Alaric wants to make sure he isn't becoming friends with someone else who once slept with his lady love. Damon and Isobel are enough for him. He asks if Mason and Jenna ever dated. Mason says Jenna was to involved in icky Logan Fell. But Mason had girls lining up for him. Jenna and Mason exchange a look. My spidey-senses feel a love triangle coming on. Damon says he pegged Mason for a lone wolf. Seriously Damon? That was beyond lame. Jenna is going to think you're a nutcase as well as a niece-groper. Mason says he wasn't half the lady killer Damon was. Good come back Mason. Mason makes a toast to new friends. Alaric clinks his glass, but he looks like he'd rather make some new friends besides these crazy people with their supernatural problems.

In the other room, Elena and Caroline are doing...something. Their conversation is like this:

Elena: Would I be a bad friend to totally ditch you at the party I invited you to so I can go and check up on my vampire boyfriend? You know, because if he was in trouble I could totally do something to help him.

Caroline: No, you can't leave! I don't sound suspicious at all, do I?

Elena: Damon's got this. Not like I was helping or anything.

Caroline: Don't be so clingy Elena. Guys hate that. Trust me, I know.

Elena: I'm not being clingy, I'm just concerned.

Caroline: You are _so_ being clingy. But let me drive you over.

Elena: I'm getting chauffeured? Sweet.

They head to the car, where Caroline drops her keys and lets some air out the tire when she bends over. Also, massive product placement in the form of a car. As long as they don't start saying they Bing-ed something, I'm okay. Does anyone else think Caroline's top is ugly? It looks like she's trying to hide a pregnancy under that thing.

Over at the Torture Chamber. Stefan wants to know what George got in return for giving Katherine her freedom. Katherine non-answers "Something he wanted desperately." My mind immediately went to the wrong place with that. Stefan seems surprised that Katherine would let 26 of her friends die just to fake her own death. Um, have you met this girl Stefan? It isn't hard to believe. Stefan thinks she was running from something. Klaus! I loved that guy from the books. He was even crazier than Katherine. But no one mentions him, so he might not turn up at all. If not I will be disappointed show.

Katherine natters on about everyone having a past. Her plan nearly failed thanks to Stefan and Damon. Katherine pretty much tells Stefan he and Damon died for nothing, seeing as she didn't want to be saved. George already had that covered. Except it wasn't nothing. It was love. Yep, love...and nothing. Katherine really should have let Damon and Stefan in on this plan. It would have made things go a lot smoother.

At the Gilbert house. Mason and Damon talk. They know each others secret. Unlike Katherine, Damon isn't smart enough to use it to his advantage. He whines about Mason trying to kill Stefan. Damon sweetie, he tried to kill Caroline a lot more than Stefan. Mason says that was an accident, he couldn't get himself chained up in time. Mason wants to make love not war. Damon isn't buying that Mason is in town for no reason, and Mason reminds him of his dead brother. He's here for his family. Damon, you've met Tyler. If anyone needs a daddy figure, it's that guy. Damon and Mason shake hands. Damon being Damon, has to go and eff things up by deciding to take a silver knife and play werewolf slayer.

In the Car of Product Placement, Elena and Caroline are to the rescue. Caroline is being the worst kind of cruel: the honest kind. Vampire and human couples don't work. Elena is unhappy and turns up the radio. Elena and Caroline suddenly go into another dimension, where they were scripted to star in a car commercial. And Goldfrapp is playing. Does anyone still listen to Goldfrapp? The car commercial ends with the tire going flat.

Back to the Gilberts'. Mason wants to go to the Grill to get drinks. But the others say no. It's like he's with a bunch of adults here. Jenna prefers the term role model. I prefer to not be an adult too Jenna, but I don't have teenagers to raise. Mason and Jenna hug goodbye in a platonic fashion, and Alaric and Mason shake hands and talk about catching a game next week. Damon says he should leave too, and does some ass kissing to Jenna. It's more like hand-kissing, but Jenna is not impressed. But Damon has chipped a bit off her wall of hate, I think. Damon calls back to Alaric about not catching that game next week. Whatever Damon, Alaric has a new boyfriend now.

Elena and Caroline are waiting for the tow truck. It isn't there yet and they said they would be. Please, I had to wait two hours in the freezing cold for a tow with my friend once when her car died. Those guys never show up on time. Elena wants to call Jenna, Caroline wants to call the tow people. Elena wants to walk from here. Right, that's safe Elena. Walking alone at night for some serial killer to kidnap you. Caroline says she doesn't want to leave her car. I don't blame her. Leave your car alone by the road at night andyou may come back to find your tires and stereo gone the next day. Elena is upset because she is worried about Stefan. Elena, you are not Buffy. If Stefan is in trouble, you'll only make it worse. Caroline here is vicious, asking Elena why she is in a hurry to rush off to a relationship that's doomed to fail in a horribly tragic way. Elena thinks Caroline is projecting. Caroline gives her the harsh, brutal truth. One day Elena will be 70 and Stefan will still be smoking hot, Stefan can't give her children, and Elena is too maternal to not have children. Psh, she already has a child. His name is Jeremy. Haven't you noticed she's doing more child-rearing than Jenna, Caroline?

The truth hurts, and Elena wants to know where it is coming from. Caroline says she is just trying to be her friend. Elena is mad that Caroline made her face the music, so she opts to walk to Stefan's all alone in the dark, even if there is a vampire that wants to ruin her life out there. Elena, sometimes you make Bella and Sookie look smart by comparison. To stop her, Caroline grabs her and tells her not to leave her alone. Until this point, I wasn't sure if Caroline was trying to keep Elena away because Stefan wanted her to, or Katherine wanted her to. I was hoping that Stefan had called her and told her to keep an eye on Elena for him while he tortured Katherine, but my hopes were dashed here. The tow guy pulls up to them, and Elena walks off alone.

Mason and Damon are in the street. And Damon stabs him with the silver knife. In public, where anyone can see. Mystic Falls has the worst cops ever. Mason pulls out the knife and gets up, saying that werewolves started the whole silver myth for times like these. Damon makes about five WTF faces. There is blood all over Mason's shirt. Sad, because he was looking forward to last call. Out drinking with no DD Mason? Hey, Damon just prevented you from drunk driving. Friends don't let friends drive drunk. Mason tells Damon he has made an enemy, while there is more dramatic music. This show loves the dramatic music, doesn't it? I haven't heard this much dun dun dun duns since season 5 of Lost.

Torture Chamber. Stefan thinks Katherine is playing games. He wants to know why she is back. Stefan, she's answered that question five times over now. For you. Katherine wants what she wants and she doesn't care what she has to do to get it. Katherine gets all threatening, mentioning that she's killed a bunch of people and she'll kill Elena too. Stefan vamps out, breaks the chair and makes a stake, but he can't go through with killing Katherine. In Katherine's twisted mind, that means Stefan doesn't hate her as much as he thought. And she is probably right. Katherine tells Stefan she doesn't want him seeing Elena any more. If Stefan doesn't get rid of her, she'll kill everyone Elena loves while she watches then kill Elena while Stefan watches. That doesn't sound like the foundation for a healthy relationship, Katherine. Stefan agrees and tells Katherine not to think for one moment that he won't kill her.

Katherine is done with this treatment, so she knocks Stefan across the room and breaks free of her chains while Stefan looks at her with the best WTF face of all time. Katherine tells him she's been sipping vervain every day for the last 145 years. It doesn't hurt her. Stefan wants to know why Katherine let him chain her up. Because she's kinky, Stefan. And she missed you. 145 years is a long time. Elena comes in and the dramatic music goes crazy. So does Katherine—she stakes Stefan. It isn't fatal but it hurts like a motherfucker. Poor Stefan.

Katherine enters the room. This whole scene doesn't look very real, but we'll get over it. Katherine eyeballs Elena, and says "You must be Elena." Dun!

Elena is more concerned about figuring out how they look alike than anything else. Katherine, like me, thinks she is asking the wrong questions. The right ones being things like, why did she turn Caroline, why is she back in Mystic Falls, why did she wait so damn long to come back, what does she want, are you going to kill me, etc. Katherine does weirdly run her hand along Elena's shoulder. It isn't sexual exactly, but Katherine is probably enough of a narcissist to have entertained the idea. Stefan calls Elena's name and runs in and Katherine disappears. Like Gerard Way, Stefan or Elena are not okay. Pansies.

Mystic Grill, the only restaurant in Mystic Falls. Caroline is in the bathroom, looking all scared. Katherine shows up, wanting to know why Caroline couldn't do one simple task. Keeping Elena from Stefan is not an easy task. She's almost as silly as Sookie is about running around and shouting her man's name. Caroline tried, but she couldn't kidnap her best friend. I thought Bonnie was your best friend, Care-bear. Not that I blame you for downgrading her after last week's bitch fest. Katherine doesn't take excuses well. Luckily, Caroline thinks she got to Elena with all that mortality stuff. It's a good thing, Katherine killed her once and she'll do it again.

Lockwood Manson. Tyler is sitting and fingering his rock hard...moonstone. Mason comes in so he shoves it in his pocket. Has Tyler been waiting to ambush him by the door? The argue like a little married couple. Is Tyler still pissed? Is Mason still keeping secrets? Yep. Then Tyler is still pissed. Tyler tries to say he knows a couple places the moonstone could be. Mason gets mad at this tactic, and wants Tyler to tell him where the stone is. Tyler wants to know how to trigger the curse. Mason doesn't want to tell him, for his own good. Tyler thinks he can handle it. Mason laughs at him, and says he has no idea. The regress from arguing like a married couple to arguing like school children.

Tyler: Do you want your stupid rock or not?

Mason: Tell me where it is!

Then Mason slams Tyler into a wall. Some viewers have called it hoyay, but I don't see it. Hard to be erotic with the conversation at hand. Tyler yells to know how to trigger the curse. Mason tells him he has to kill someone. Human blood. You take another person's life away and the curse is yours forever. This was also how it was in the books, which makes me happy. The show is better than the books, especially when you get to the Return trilogy, but it's nice to see things taken from them.

Mason lets go of Tyler, while Tyler makes the best WTF face of the episode. Mason asks Tyler can he handle that. Dunna dunna dunna dunna dun! This music is killing me.

Mystic Grill. Caroline sits all alone at a booth, while Stefan and Elena come in. Caroline is so sorry. Elena admits that she was right, but it was hard to hear. This is supposed to be Elena telling a lie, but it's really her telling the truth, she just doesn't know it yet. Caroline is really apologizes for helping Katherine, but Elena already knows that.

Elena and Stefan have a fake-up, but they both make good points. Stefan says today was about the lengths Katherine could go, and that they should take her seriously. Just because Katherine didn't kill Elena, doesn't mean Elena is safe. Elena should be afraid, very afraid. Katherine wants them to break up. Stefan thinks that may not be a bad idea, Katherine threatened a bunch of people. Elena thinks Stefan gives her too much power over their relationship. Katherine wants to get between them. She already has. Elena gets up and leaves. This is the break-up they should really be having, because everything they said was true. Their being together puts people in danger, and Katherine is already between them, whether they want to admit it or not. Caroline looks like a sad little eavesdropper, while Damon looks pretty pleased.

Outside the Mystic Grill. Katherine surprises Damon by asking if he had a bad day. Damon calls it a bad century. Katherine tries to find out if Damon is jealous. Damon lies and says he doesn't do jealous with her anymore. Katherine wants to find out why he is so pouty, and Damon admits to trying to kill a werewolf. Damon wants info, and Katherine says to ask Stefan. She warns Damon not to play the hero, he'll end up dead. I think maybe Katherine was lying about it always being Stefan as much as Elena was. Why does she care about his dying otherwise? I would say for Stefan's sake, which is the same reason she hasn't killed Elena yet, but I'm not sure. Damon is all been there, done that, got the tee shirt. But this time it will be worth it.

At Elena's. Elena is alone. Something ruffles her hair. It's Stefan super speeding in, who asks if she is ok. They hug. They hated that fight. It felt too real. They kiss. They talk about Caroline doing Katherine's dirty work for her. Elena says it was so obvious something was up. You weren't in the audience watching Elena, we knew something was up _way _before you did. Damon heard it too, but Stefan isn't going to tell him it was fake. It's better if everyone believes it so Katherine will believe it. Elena can't believe Katherine is doing all this just to get Stefan back. Neither can I, Elena. Stefan tells us that it isn't why she's here, he knows Katherine, she doesn't care about anyone but herself, she's incapable of love.

1864. Katherine looks at Stefan's dead body, while George comes from nowhere behind her. Her carriage is waiting. But George wants his moonstone first. If he tells anyone, Katherine will kill him. They'll carry each others secret to the grave. They need to hurry and leave, but Katherine has to go say goodbye to Stefan. She loves him. He's all she wants, all she needs. He's the air she would kill to breathe. This song was stuck in my head all night after watching this episode. She kisses him bye and says they'll be together again.

Present. Katherine smiles, touches her mouth and looks up at the moon. Title Card.


	3. Kill or be Killed

The Vampire Diaries "Kill or be Killed" Recap

Previously on the Vampire Diaries: For over a century, Stefan has been telling us he lived in secret. Until Elena, who—shocker-looks just like Katherine. Elena wants to know why. I say because Nina Dobrev plays you both, but whatevs. Katherine gets crazy possessive over her man. Stefan and Elena fake fight. 1864 Katherine bites a guy, because she's a man-eater, make you work hard...Her and Caroline are going to have fun together...the Lockwoods are werewolves. Damon tried to kill pretty, pretty Mason and failed. He's not living up to his best self. Poor baby. Mason and Damon are now enemies. Mason slams Tyler into a wall...that kid is always getting slammed against hard surfaces, with Jeremy, Matt, and now Mason. You trigger the curse by killing someone, Mason yells at us and Tyler.

Emerald Coast, Florida, One Year Ago: I bet they don't give as an actual year because they don't have a timeline here. Seriously, the timeline on this show is so messed up. They have a school carnival two days after a Founders' Day parade, and everything past Halloween is skipped all together and they go to January...but I digress. One year ago it is.

Mason is drinking, but he tells the bartender who we don't see that it's it for him. He gets up to leave and a blond guy behind him follows, looking for all the world like a serial killer. In the parking lot, blond guy pushes Mason. His name is Jimmy, and Mason blames it on the booze. Jimmy is mad because he knows about Mason and Marla. I doubt Mason is messing around with Jimmy's girl. Sevens date sevens and nines date nines. Jimmy is a seven and Mason is _at least_ a nine. Maybe a nine and a half. Covered in mud, a ten. Mason thinks the booze is making Jimmy talk, he's had too much to drink. Mason, everyone on this show has too much to drink. The bar doesn't seem to card, Damon is a lush, the history teacher grades papers with a buzz and Jenna drinks her body weight in booze. Even Elena puts some down if she's forced to spend time with Damon. Alcoholism rates in Mystic Falls aside, Jimmy grabs Mason, Mason pushes him off and tries to say he isn't messing with Marla. Jimmy does not believe him and punches. Mason tries to tell him doesn't want to do this, but Jimmy doesn't listen. It's almost like something is _forcing _him to do this, against his will. But that'd be crazy, right? Jimmy tries to beat the shit out of Mason, so Mason grabs him and picks him up and slams him to the ground. And it kills him. Okay show, I'll buy it if you say so, but I don't think that would kill him. I've been slammed to the ground like that during vicious games of 'touch' football, and all it ever got me was a bruised ass and ego.

In the present: Tyler is as shocked as me that Jimmy would die from that. Probably because he plays football, and has gotten a bruised ass and ego from the same thing. Mason tries the whole he kept coming at me excuse, but he doesn't sound too sorry for killing someone he claims was a friend. It only happened a year ago, he should still be shaken up, unless he's a psycho. Tyler wants to know if he was messing around with Marla, because that's more important here than the fact he killed a dude. Mason says he wasn't, Jimmy was his friend. Bros before hos. We never actually meet this Marla, or see her so who knows if Mason is telling the truth.

Back to a year ago, Mason gets yellow eyes. Then we cut back to the prettier Mason, where he tells Tyler during that time of the month he looses control—if he doesn't sedate himself and chain himself down, he'll kill anything in his path. That's how I am my time of the month too, without my Midol. Mason tells Tyler he has to be careful not to accidentally kill someone, or he'll be cursed. It's a nice warning, but most of us go through life without accidentally killing anybody and we don't even have to try that hard. Mason tells Tyler he doesn't want this, and to trust him. Of course, the dramatic music is doing it's thing. Thank goodness there is the title card to shut it up.

Now that Mason has answered Tyler's questions, he wants the moonstone. Tyler _lies_, big shocker there, and shows Mason the Hidey-Hole he found the moonstone in. His dad had more than one hidey hole, but Tyler figured them out over the years. I'm not buying this show, anything the Mayor had to hide was probably stuff about the Council, in which case Tyler would know all about it and vampires after snooping, which he doesn't. Tyler opens the hidey-hole. Mason looks around inside, while Tyler tries to get him to tell him what is so important about the moonstone. Mason _lies _and says sentimental value, but Tyler isn't buying it. They get snippy with each other, but neither gets what they want.

This season so far has carried this theme of deception. Last week people were telling truths they thought were lies, and lies they thought were truths. This week, the line between truths and lies blurs even more. For every truth revealed, there is another deception introduced. Everyone is playing someone, and we still have no idea what the end game is. Now, away from my comments and on to...

The Gilberts'. Offscreen, Elena has told Jeremy about the Lockwoods. Jeremy can't believe his boyfriend, I mean Tyler, is a werewolf. Elena tells him that they don't know if Tyler is, only Mason. Jeremy says "it should be easy enough for us to figure out." Elena does not want him involved in it. Jeremy points out that by just being in the family, he's involved. He makes a good point. And with his track record of dating vampires, he's about up to par with Elena and Alaric on getting in too deep to ever get out. But you know, all his lovers die and stay dead. Hey, maybe he should date Katherine. Elena tells him to stay out of it and Jeremy says alright, but we all know he's lying.

Stefan sneaks up on Elena, and Elena closes the door before she lets him kiss her. I guess even Jenna and Jeremy have to think they're on the outs. Funny, Elena just said she wasn't keeping secrets from Jeremy. Not that I think she should have to tell him, but it just seems like a bad choice to have a scene showing Elena clearly trying to hide her and Stefan's okay-ness after saying she wasn't hiding things. It makes her look like a bit fat liar. But, moving on from that point...Stefan and Elena hate fighting, even if it's fake. Katherine has to think she is winning, which she will from Caroline reporting back to her. Elena seems mad at Caroline here, which I do get, but it seems unfair. If she was smart enough to figure out that Caroline is reporting to Katherine, she should have been smart enough to figure out that Caroline was only doing it because Katherine didn't leave her a choice.

Elena wants to make sure that Stefan knows none of it is real. I roll my eyes, because it is real and everyone watching knows it. Katherine threatened Elena and a bunch of people, and Stefan didn't kill her when he had the chance. That isn't due to the fact that he's a wuss, it's because he still cares about Katherine. But neither of them are admitting that yet, so they make up a little code words for 'I love you' and 'I love you too' in their fake fight later. That would be romantic, if it wasn't so stupid.

The Forbes home. Liz is at home and out of uniform, carrying a box. Caroline is as stunned to see this as we are, and asks if she is off. Lix reminds her of the historical society picnic today, that Caroline signed her up for. Who organizes all these social events? This town always has like, five things going on. And yet the only place any one ever goes is to the Grill. Caroline and her mother have a bitchy little conversation, where Liz says she's going to spend the whole day with her daughter while Caroline is shocked she is going to 'pretend to be a mother'. They've barely seen each other. Caroline is all "be warned, I'm in a mood." When isn't she in a mood? Around her mother, anyway. Liz and her talk some more, but the whole point is to let us know that 'Elena' aka Katherine was at Caroline's last night. Liz notices that Caroline is different, but Caroline denies anything. She leaves her mother with "There's pretending to be a mother, then there's reality. Let's not push our luck." Ouch. That was harsh Care-bear.

At the Historical Society thingy, Carol is giving a speech. Thanks to a donation from the Fell family, they are standing on the sight of their newest public park. Please, as if anyone in this town goes to a park. Or school, for that matter. Now that Mommy Lockwood has had her ten seconds of screen time, we go to Mason and Stefan.

Mason: Stefan right? The _other_ Salvatore.

Stefan: The nice one who didn't try to kill you. Btw, sorry for that.

Mason: Take your apology and shove it.

Stefan: My brother is a dumb-ass. He's bitter because girls like me better, so he had to stab you to compensate.

Mason: Yep, he's a real dumb-ass.

Stefan: If you and Damon keep at each other, the fan-girls are going to start slashing you. And neither of us want that. So stop fighting unless it leads to clothes coming off. Let's make love, not war.

Mason: I made that same offer to your brother. He turned it down. With a knife.

Stefan: For Damon that's foreplay. Haven't you read the fanfics? Knife-play is in now.

Mason: Tell your brother to burn in the firey pits of hell.

Stefan: We both know you aren't going to kill him. Ian Somerhalder has a contract.

Mason: …

Stefan: There are two of us, and one of you...

Mason: Are you suggesting a threesome?

Stefan: You _have _been reading the fanfics.

Mason: If Damon comes at me...

Stefan: He won't.

Then they shake hands and Mason walks away. Stefan hates to see him leave, but loves to watch him go. Damon pops up behind Stefan, all inside his personal bubble as is his wont. I wonder if Stefan still gets annoyed by that. After all these years, he's probably used to it.

Damon: What are you doing with the guy I tried to kill? Mutiny I say!

Stefan: Trying to save your stupid ass from getting killed.

Damon: But I wanna pet the werewolf.

Stefan: No one cares what you want Damon.

Damon moves around and assaults Stefan's personal bubble from the front, putting his hands on his shoulders. I love you Damon, but you sure are one handsy bastard. Didn't your asshole of a father teach you to keep your hands to yourself? Stefan ignores Damon's shoulder groping and their talk continues.

Damon: Stefan, do you really think you solved the problem? I mean, you, solve anything? You can't even handle me, and you've had over a century of practice.

Stefan: No, I think he's going to kill you because you're a stupid asshole who tried to murder him. And me because...okay, I don't know why since I didn't do anything. Probably to piss you off. So thanks, douche-bag for signing my death certificate. Again.

Stefan half-pats and half-smacks Damon on the shoulder, then walks away. Damon hates to see him leave, but he loves to watch him go.

Mystic Grill. Jeremy is staring at Tyler, burning with desire. I mean, curiosity. But seriously, brace yourselves, because it's about to get homoerotic up in here. Jeremy and Tyler's relationship has gone from "Jesse's Girl" to "Jesse." (The first by Rick Springfield, the second by Ivri Lider.) Their scenes tonight are either the start of a bad romance or a rad bromance. And the hoyay is total fan service to those Jyler fans. Probably those ones on livejournal. As your recapper, I surf the dangerous waters of the Internet, all the way to the filthy cesspools of fan sites, so that I may know the fans to mock them. I mock with love, of course. But this tangent has gone on long enough, so I present you with a theme song for Jeremy/Tyler: h t t p : / / w w w . y o u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v = u t r A A 4 X 7 M D 8

Now, back to the recap.

Over at the pool tables, Aimee and her friend Sarah are playing pool. As one does at a pool table. Sarah eye-sexes Jeremy while Jeremy eye-sexes Tyler.

Sarah: Oh, I wanna touch the pretty.

Aimee: Psh. If that boy went in farther in the closet he'd end up in Narnia.

Completely oblivious to the girls staring at him, Jeremy goes over see how his boyfriend is doing. Tyler wants to know since when. Jeremy sits down without being invited, which seems a little rude. Tyler isn't really paying much attention him. Not being buddy-buddy with the guy that stole his girlfriend, imagine that. Or maybe he's playing hard to get.

Jeremy: I haven't see you since your dad's funeral where your uncle totally cock-blocked me.

Tyler: I'm going to be an ass now and snap at you, when I'm really mad at Mason.

Jeremy makes sad puppy eyes and gets up to leave. Tyler hates to see him go, but loves to watch him leave...come on, like you didn't know I was going to go there. It's the last time, I promise. Tyler feels bad for being the dick that he is. He calls out to Jeremy "Wait, hold up. I'm sorry." Aww, he apologized. I love watching Tyler apologize. He's so bad it—remember his apology for making out with Matt's mom? But this one is a good one, probably because what he did was able to actually be covered by a simple apology. Not that Jeremy would care much if it wasn't—he forgives people for killing him without them even giving an apology. Mostly because he's an idiot.

Tyler blames it on a bad day and a bad month. That seems a little bit of an understatement, considering his dad died and he found out his uncle is a werewolf. At least he didn't turn into an emo pill-popping booze hound, like _some_ characters. Cough, cough, Jeremy. He thanks Jeremy for being cool that day. Tyler felt like a freak-show. Trust me Tyler, Mason was there so no one was looking at you. Jeremy says he knows the feeling well. He wants to know what Tyler is doing there, as if these characters go anywhere else besides the Grill. I'm surprised Daddy Lockwood's wake wasn't held there. Tyler tells us that he is distracting himself...with Aimee and Sarah who walk over.

Aimee is glad he texted her, even though she didn't like him that much last time they were together. The BDSM cellar does have that effect on people. Aimee wants to know where they are going. Tyler explains that his mom is gone all day, so they can go to his house and get wasted. Because booze is the solution to everything. I hope Mystic Falls hosts a couple of AA meetings. The citizens need them. While they are talking, Sarah is undressing Jeremy with her eyes, while Jeremy seems to be trying to figure out if she suffers from some sort of mental disorder. The answer is yes, btw. Tyler asks Jeremy if he's in. Jeremy sees a chance to do exactly what Elena told him not to do, so of course he jumps on it. 'It' sadly, is not Tyler.

Back at the park no one will ever go to, Mason and Liz have a talk. Liz doesn't want to be called Sheriff when she's out of uniform. Since it took us half of season one to even learn her name, I think she should get over it. Mason wants to talk about the council, though Liz pretends not to know what she is talking about. She's a horrible liar.

Mason: I know there's a council. You know, they sorta accidentally killed my brother? That council?

Liz: Oh we can't talk about it. The first rule of fight club is, you do not talk about fight club. The second rule of fight club, is you DO NOT talk about fight club.

Mason: Come on, I totally drank the vervain laced Kool-Aid about vampires. I only left town because the bizarre social calender—I couldn't take anymore of that Founders' Day shit.

Liz:...

Mason: You have two vampires living under your nose.

Liz: Bitch please, I would have noticed. But since you're pretty, I'll humor you. Who?

Mason: The Salvatores. How could you _not _see that? It's almost as obvious as my being a werewolf.

Liz:You lie! Damon is my BFF, you meanie. Stop saying bad things about him!

Mason: I know you're jonesing to get in his pants, but he's a vampire. Cross my hear, hope to die.

Liz: I can't hear you-lalalalalalala.

They argue some more, about them walking in the sun and the killings starting when they came. Liz still says no, because Damon is her friend and the power of friendship is stronger than the forces of logic. Mason offers to prove it. Dun!

At another part of the park no one will ever go to, Caroline and Elena are talking. Caroline is babbling about her Mommy issues, that Elena doesn't really want to hear about. But she pretends to anyway, as friends do. Caroline admits that she was a bitch to her mom, which is usual. I think Elena is the only character who doesn't have issues with their parents. Besides them being dead, that is. I think we're supposed to assume Mommy and Daddy Gilbert were nominated for the parent of the year award ever single year of all of time. For the first time in history, Caroline gets tired of talking about herself and asks Elena how she and Stefan are doing. Elena of course lies and says Stefan is pushing her away so Katherine won't hurt her. Caroline and me both think that's a good point. But Elena thinks that would be giving up. Caroline's guilt causes her to die a little inside.

Damon wants to know why Liz was talking to Mason. Liz lies horribly, and says that he is cleaning up in the woods. Damon wants Liz to put him to work. My mind distorted that to something dirty, but I'm sure some of you reading are guilty of the same crime. Liz makes about 100 guilty faces, and Damon asks if she is okay, she seems upset. Aw, Damon is actually concerned. They grow up so fast. Liz blames it on Caroline. Jeez, she really is a bad mother. Damon wants to know if there is anything he can do. Liz seems a little angry when she turns him down. Maybe she suddenly remembered Damon used to 'date' her daughter. Liz admits to her own horrible parenting skills. Accepting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it Liz. Doing something about it is generally the next one. Maybe you should try it sometime.

Elena and Stefan stare at each other, and Caroline comments on the 'longing looks' being exchanged. That don't seem that longing to me, as Elena looks like she's sucking on a sour grape. Elena decides to go talk to Stefan and she walks away. Her shirt is rucked up in the back, and it really annoys me because I'm anal like that. Caroline tries to stop her, but fails. Damon pops up behind her, only half-way into her personal bubble. He wants to know what's up with Elena. Caroline tells him not to worry about it. Damon also wants to know why she is being such a bitch to her mom. Caroline tells him not to worry about that either and moves away from him, because she hasn't realized Damon is always going to end up in your personal space regardless of where you go.

Elena and Stefan fake fight. They are very bad at it. Does Stefan still care about Katherine? Elena shouldn't turn it into something it's not. Is it up for discussion? Nope, because they have nosy eavesdroppers listening. Elena turns to look in Caroline and Damon's direction, and Caroline and Damon become super interested in Caroline's painting. When can they talk? Stefan doesn't know. Elena saw her, and omg they look just alike. How can Stefan hate her and love Elena? It's what on the inside that counts, Elena. I bet Mommy Gilbert taught you that before she died. Elena is reaching, Stefan is not Damon. Elena doesn't want to bring Damon into this 'right now.' So she's up for bringing him in later? Kinky. Then Stefan and Elena say they love you using their super-secret code words.

Over at Caroline and Damon, Damon says that relationships are about communication. Oh, like you know Damon. Have you ever had a healthy relationship? Caroline cuts him a dirty look, probably thinking about their 'relationship' and all those wonderful communications they had. She walks away.

At the Lockwood manson. The girls are dancing while Jeremy and Tyler drink and enjoy the show. Sarah dances around Jeremy, while Aimee goes off to talk to Tyler.

Aimee: Thanks for hanging out with me after I shot you down in the BDSM cellar. Sarah totally wants to nail Jeremy.

Tyler: That so doesn't make me jealous. At all.

Aimee: I'm sorry for being such a ho. I normally make guys buy me dinner before I put out.

Tyler: Are you apologizing for almost having sex with me or not having sex with me?

Aimee: Friends?

Tyler: Since I can't get you naked, sure.

Sarah spots Jeremy's sketchbook and wants to see, even though Jeremy says no. So does Aimee. And Tyler. After Tyler says he wants to see, Jeremy lets them. Why? Because they are pictures of wolves and he wants to see Tyler's reaction. That and he wants his boyfriend's opinion. Sarah calls one 'scary demon wolf thing.' Tyler takes the sketch book and looks at it, and Jeremy asks if he still draws. Tyler does. A little, but not much. They have so much in common. Like that STD Vicki probably gave them both.

Tyler lures Jeremy away to show him something he's been working on. As they walk, Tyler says it's amateur and Jeremy compliments his boyfriend. He's seen his stuff. It's great. If by his stuff, you mean his abs I agree. As for his artwork...I've seen better. But we don't actually get to look at any art anyway, so who cares? Tyler tells Jeremy it's on the desk and goes to close the door behind them and then proceeds to slam Jeremy against the wall. That sounds like the start of a bad fanfic. But Tyler only wants to know what the pictures were about. He's also choking poor Jeremy, who can't breathe. Whatever, if you can talk you can breathe Jeremy. Tyler knows that too, because he yells "Answer me!" Why wolf pictures? Why not penguins or fluffy bunnies? Because Jeremy knows. Tyler lets him go, shocked that someone as dim as Jeremy knows anything. He wants to know what Jeremy knows. He even calls him Jeremy instead of Gilbert, which in Tyler land is the nice way of asking. The even nicer way is to not slam someone against a wall and choke them. Baby steps, Tyler isn't used to being nice. Jeremy knows what Tyler is. No, not that he's gay. Only Sarah's figured that one out.

At the park that no one will ever go to, Mason drinks some lemonade given to him by a cute little girl. Because even the kids have to pitch in at these things. Those child labor laws are more like guidelines anyway. Damon goes over to talk to Mason, and does that eye thing he does. Except he over does it and just looks crazy. Or drunk. Or both, because he's Damon. Damon heard Mason talked to Stefan. Mason says Stefan is a nice guy. Not nice enough to spare from being killed by the council, mind you, but really swell. Damon says Stefan is nicer than him. Yep, but you are nicer to look at Damon. Mason says that nice is overrated. I think he's trying to sound vaguely threatening, but he just sounds like he's flirting. Maybe Damon reads it that way too, because he agrees and reaches out to pet the werewolf on the arm. Mason tells him to have a nice day and walks away. Damon hates to see him leave, but loves to watch him go. Okay I lied about making that joke again.

Stefan comes over to Damon. He wants Damon to tell him if he and Mason were just 'bonding.' Stefan, I don't think Damon wants to discuss his 'bonding' life with his little brother. Damon ignores that, because he'd rather let Stefan know that he knows he and Elena's fights are fake. Elena and Stefan don't fight, especially over him. Only one small part of the fight was about you Damon. I think you have an over-inflated sense of self-importance. But you can tell Damon so thinks that he causes fights between Stefan and Elena. In his imagination, I'm sure all their fights are about him. Stefan tells Damon to drop it, and since all that badgering his brother builds up a thirst, Damon goes for some lemonade. He says thank you to the little girl and even calls her sweetie. I bet the kid playing this role is going to become so popular on the playground at school. Too bad she's too young to appreciate the pretty.

Damon swallows. Alaric told me. Okay, now that I'm done being dirty, Damon swallows the lemonade and chokes, spitting it everywhere. Stefan wants to know what is wrong with Damon, besides the obvious mental impediments. Damon croaks out vervain, while Liz watches them. Cue overly dramatic music. Dun!

Elena sits down by the river. Those memories of her and Stefan's fight come back to haunt her, haunt her like a curse. Bruce Springsteen is now playing through my head. Caroline comes to join her to see if she is okay. Elena isn't. Caroline says maybe it's for the best, but Elena snaps that it isn't. I have no sympathy for Elena and Stefan here. Yes Katherine is a psycho, and Elena is in danger. But Stefan had a chance to kill her but didn't take it. And Elena knows that Katherine can and might kill her over Stefan, but she chooses to stay with him anyway. That just makes her stupid. I know she loves him and she wants them to be together, but they can't be together if she's dead. If they just broke up, they wouldn't be together, but she'd be alive. If she's too stubborn to make this call, Stefan should make it for her. He knows Katherine, and he knows what needs to be done, he just lacks the strength to do it. Elena apologizes for taking it out on Caroline because she's just being a good friend. Caroline almost admits to what's up with Katherine, but the sight of her mom sneaking off distracts her.

Caroline goes to rag on her mom for leaving and Liz says she's sorry before taking off. In Mystic Falls do kids just stand there when adults walk away? The adults seem to think so. In real life, they follow behind you continuing to bitch. Elena wants to know what is going on, and Caroline says something is up.

Damon is all rared up over the vervain, and wants to kill Mason. Stefan grabs him before he can go and forces him to sit down. Damon is as over peace as those hippies who grew up and got jobs. Mason is dead. Stefan says they need to 'put him down.' Damon is as stunned as we are. The Salvatores follow Mason into the woods. Caroline and Elena head into the woods too, and Caroline uses her vamp hearing to listen for what's wrong.

The brothers Salvatore find our favorite werewolf in the woods. Killing him was inevitable. But Damon does offer him a head start. He's thoughtful that way. Mason ducks down and shots are fired. Stefan and Damon fall to the ground. Caroline hears them and she and Elena run off towards them. Liz comes and shoots Damon and Stefan with vervain as the dramatic music reaches a climax.

Speaking of things reaching a climax, we're back to Jeremy and Tyler. Tyler seems calm—calm for Tyler, that is—and wants to know how Jeremy knows. Jeremy lies and says he read it in some crazy Gilbert ancestor's journal. I get that he lies here, he has to protect Elena and Stefan and Damon. It isn't his secret to tell, but Tyler is about to give him full disclosure so it feels unfair. Tyler wants to know what curse Jeremy read about, and Jeremy says werewolves. It's crazy right? Tyler needs a drink for this and sits down and gulps his booze. Jeremy forms a convincing lie for figuring out what happened, Matt was attacked by a wolf under the full moon, and his uncle has just came back and it was too weird. And he wants to know if it's true. Tyler admits that Mason has a furry little problem. Jeremy is more interested in Tyler. Tyler lets him know that he isn't a werewolf. Not yet. Saying it out load makes him sound insane. Jeremy doesn't think Tyler sounds insane. Probably because he's insane too. And that he always believed in the crazy stuff. More like he dated it.

Tyler explains that he has to trigger the curse by killing someone, whether murder or accident and the next full moon, he's howling on all fours. I'm sure Jeremy would love to have you howling on all fours, Tyler. Jeremy wants to know if that's why Mason came back. Tyler admits that Mason isn't in Mystic Falls for him, he's here for this. And then he pulls it out of his pants and shows Jeremy. The moonstone, you pervs.

As a note to their scene, I have to wonder why Tyler chose to trust Jeremy with all this. Matt is his bff, and would make the more logical choice. I guess because Jeremy asked first, but that seems like a weak reason. We understand Jeremy's motives for looking for this information, for him it boils down to protecting himself and his family because there is a nutty vampire on the loose. Tyler's motives for sharing are less clear. What does he gain from telling someone, and Jeremy in particular? It's sweet from a bromantic and/or romantic point of view, depending which way you roll with that ship, but other than bringing their characters closer together it was pointless for Tyler. Then again, for the sake of the plot, there needs to be a connection between the werewolves and the vampires and Jeremy will probably work well for it. He can tell Elena what he learned, and the beat goes on.

Mason leads Liz and her deputies, who are wearing fashionable Salvatore shoulder throws to the BDSM cellar. Seriously, everyone will be wearing a Salvatore brother on their shoulders this fall. Liz pretty much tells Mason to fuck off, and Mason goes after he makes sure that Liz if going to kill the Salvatores dead.

Caroline and Elena are still running around the woods. I bet Caroline could search faster without Elena. It isn't like Elena can super speed. Caroline finds some vampire blood—not human, because it doesn't smell oh-so-tasty. Speaking of tasty, here comes Mason. He wants to know what Caroline and Elena are doing out here. Elena asks has he seen Stefan. Mason says he has seen them both, going from nice guy to douche-bag in a second flat. Elena wants to know where her boyfriends are. Mason thinks Caroline's got that covered, she can sniff them out. And since Liz doesn't know what Caroline is, he'd be happy to tell her. Asshole. Just when I was starting to really like you Mason.

Caroline is on the verge of doing something like attacking him, when Mason grabs Elena and threatens to snap her neck. Caroline can take him. Mason doesn't think she has the balls to risk Elena. Caroline knows she's all that and a bag of chips and super speeds over to him, and opens up a can of whoop-ass on him like it's nothing.

Down in the BDSM cellar, Liz is trying to get information from Damon. How many vampires there are, how they can walk in the sun, etc. To get what she wants, she chooses the shoot first, ask questions, then shoot again method. If they answer she'll kill them quick, if not she'll drag it out painfully. Damon tries to play the friendship card, but Liz calls their friendship a lie. Poor Stefan isn't talking, because he's even deader than usual.

Caroline and Elena get to the BDSM cellar, and Caroline hears her mom killing Stefan and Damon. This girl is going to need so much therapy. Elena wants to rush in to save them, but Caroline is afraid of revealing herself to her mom. Considering her mom is killing Damon and Stefan because of what they are, it's a valid fear. I wouldn't want my own mom to kill me.

Liz gives orders to stake and burn the Salvatores, and a noise is heard. She sends her deputy to check it out and Elena conks him on the head with a piece of wood. Liz is shocked to see Elena, and the deputy she just smacked pushes her further inside. Caroline comes in to save the day, super speeding around and biting one of the deputies then using him as a shield when the other starts to shot at her. Caroline knocks him out and comes out into the light, all bloody and says "Hi Mom."

Damon has a nice long drink of deputy blood and tries to convince Stefan to do the same. Stefan refuses. Caroline admits that Damon is right. You know if it's something that drives Caroline to agree with Damon, it's either very right or very wrong. In this case, they are right. Damon brings up that they are in a fucked up situation, and Caroline pleads with her mom not to tell anyone. She says that Damon will kill her. Liz wants Damon to kill her because she can't take this. Damon reminds Liz of how she was going to drag it out so painfully and grabs her. Caroline, Stefan, and Elena all freak out. Damon tells them to chill the fuck out, because he ain't killing anyone. Liz is his friend.

Lockwood Manson. Jeremy is holding the moonstone, and asks what it is. Tyler explains that it's a moonstone, and they have all sorts of supernatural legends attached to them. They do, and the show can go a lot of interesting ways, depending on which ones they use. Personally I think it might to be used to help Katherine get Stefan back. Check out this info I got from my rigorous, intensive research. I can Google shit with a Dan Humphrey level of skill. "Moonstone is strongly associated with love. It is a highly prized gift for lovers as it is thought to arouse tender passion. Lovers who possess a moonstone are said to be able to foretell their future life together. One legend is that two people wearing moonstone will fall passionately in love when the moon is high."

Jeremy wants to know why Tyler didn't give Mason the moonstone. Tyler admits he didn't because Mason wants it and he's a dick that way. Jeremy smiles at that, temporarily forgetting all the times Tyler was a dick to him. Then Tyler admits the real reason is that he doesn't trust Mason. The Lockwoods are one messed up family. Sarah and Aimee come in, both a little drunk.

Aimee: You two left me alone with this crazy bitch.

Sarah: Sorry. Were you two having a moment? (Actual dialogue people. I don't even have to pervert it.)

Tyler: We both know you asking that was total fan service. Be gone, wench.

Aimee decides the boys are paying far too much attention to people who are not her, so she takes the moonstone. Tyler is so _not_ amused. Sarah gets it and runs off with it. Sarah heads up the stairs and Tyler tells her she is lucky she is cute/drunk. Sarah wants Jeremy to come get it from her. Tyler is even less amused by this. Aimee tells Sarah not to be a bad drunk. Sarah wants Jeremy to come upstairs with her and see how bad a drunk she can be. Jeremy doesn't want any of her girl-cooties. Tyler tries to get the moonstone away from Sarah, because he doesn't understand that all Sarah wants is his attention. I blame it on his being an only child, because anyone with siblings has played this game. You have to show you don't want it before they give it back. Because they are both morons, Sarah ends up falling down the stairs. Jeremy and Aimee freak-out, but Sarah was faking it. She does slur that Tyler pushed her down the stairs, and Jeremy says he didn't mean it. Aimee gets the drunken Sarah up. I think Sarah is probably more of a light-weight than Aimee, because she really does seem drunk. Falling down stairs _hurts, _I've done plenty of times sober and once drunk. Drunk hurts far less—until the next morning, anyway. On a related note, take the elevator if you've been drinking. Jeremy and Tyler look at each other for about a hundred years.

At the Salvatore house. Caroline has a bag packed up for her mom, who I believe is in the Torture Chamber or some similar room. Damon is going to mind-rape Liz as soon as the vervain leaves her system. This next conversation is so sad. Liz doesn't want to see Caroline. Damon actually defends Caroline here, saying that she is Liz's daughter. Liz says not anymore, while Caroline is just outside the door listening. Liz's daughter is gone. Damon says she has no idea how wrong she is about that. I believe he is referring both to the fact that Caroline is just outside the door, and that Caroline is still herself, not some monster. Damon looks over at Caroline, with something akin to actual sympathy. Caroline looks back at him a moment, before dropping the bag and walking away, upset. I really hope this means that Damon and Caroline can become friends. Damon doesn't have that many friends, and Caroline needs someone besides only Stefan to help her with this vampire thing.

Elena chases after Caroline and Stefan chases after Elena, but gets distracted by the freezer full of human blood. Elena comes back to tell Stefan that they should do something, but she doesn't get it out because she sees Stefan holding the blood and looking at it with more longing than he has ever looked at her. She asks what is he doing. Stefan tells how Katherine built up a tolerance to vervain. He can do the same with blood. He can control himself. Yeah, tell that to Amber Bradley. Elena says that he doesn't have to. Stefan points out that he almost died because he was too weak, and Elena reminds him of his control issues. Stefan yammers on about protecting her from Katherine. You know how you can protect her Stefan? Break-up with her. Elena wants to talk about it later, because Damon can hear. Stefan says Damon can hear them where ever they are because he's stronger. Human blood is the only thing that can help Stefan. Elena is all like "Are you serious?" She asks if it is a pretend fight, hoping it is. Stefan bursts her bubble and says that it is real. Elena gets mad and storms off.

Elena really irritated me in this scene. She knows that Stefan is a vampire, but when he does anything that a vampire does, she gets upset. In other episodes, she talks smack about vampires to him as if he isn't one. I think Elena is living in some fantasy world where she can have it both ways, a vampire boyfriend who acts completely human and it isn't going to happen. Stefan can't be himself around her, no matter what he told Katherine. It's hard to ship either side of this love triangle, Stelena and Delena both have so many issues. They also have good sides to them too, but which one balances out? I still can't pick which brother I want Elena to end up with.

Caroline is crying in the other room and Elena comes to ask if she can take her home. Care-bear is scared to go home. Elena has to ask why, which really makes me wonder about her mental prowess. Caroline confesses that she's been spying for Katherine. Elena confesses that she knows, and that she's been mad at her. But then she put herself in Caroline's position and figured out why she would do this to her and Stefan when Stefan has been such a friend to her. Oh get over it Elena. We're talking about you loosing a relationship here, not a life. People who love each other break-up every day and the world does not end. You and Stefan's romance is not worth someone being killed over. Elena wants to know who Katherine threatened. Threatening just Caroline wouldn't be enough? Whateves. Caroline tells us that Katherine threatened Matt. Caroline is so scared of her. Elena admits that they all should be. But neither of them know what Katherine wants.

Lockwood Manson. Mason calls Liz and leaves her a message. Call him later. Tyler comes in, all silent and creepy. Mason says hey, and Tyler tells him he almost killed a girl today. Mason is all "What?" and Tyler explains that it was an accident and she's okay. Physically, Tyler. Mentally that girl is on a whole other planet. For a split second, Tyler hoped she died. So did a lot of the viewers, so don't beat yourself up Tyler. She was an annoying character. Tyler doesn't want to ever feel that way again. Mason walks closer to him, looking far too pretty for a man that threatened to snap Elena's neck. Tyler gives Mason the moonstone.

Caroline is asleep on the couch and Elena is tucking her in. Aw. She goes to leave and sees Damon, telling him Caroline is sleeping on the couch. If Caroline is crashing there the night, wouldn't it have been nicer to let her sleep in Zach's old room, on a bed? It's not like he's using it. Then again, that may creep her out, as Zach died because she freed Damon from the Torture Chamber.

Damon has heard Caroline is sleeping on the couch, and wants to know about Elena. Elena is going home. Elena gets to the door and says "What you did for Caroline's mom? That was Damon who was my friend." I'll say aw for the Delena fans, but I think it's too soon for Elena to get over the killing her brother thing. Elena is about to go out the door, and Damon tells her that Stefan didn't drink the people blood. Of course he didn't, after Elena's reaction. But he needs to, and deep down, Elena knows that.

Stefan sits all alone, hands together like he's praying. He probably isn't, because having Damon in your life 145 years probably makes it hard to believe in God. The devil on the other hand...Elena comes up to the door, and Stefan tells her to come in. Elena wants to know if he can control it. Stefan admits that he doesn't know...if he doesn't try. Elena wants to see how much he's talking about, but it's only a few drops a day. Stefan thinks it's worth trying and Elena says she does to. But she doesn't want him to do it alone. She cuts herself with a letter opener and says "It's you and me, Stefan. Always." and offers him her hand, her blood. Stefan drinks it and they kiss. It's an emotional scene, and I guess it's romantic. As romantic as drinking blood can be anyway. I just can't stop thinking that Elena had to taste her own blood while she kissed him, and that would squick me out.

In the woods, Mason goes to a car and gets inside. There's a woman in the driver's seat. Katherine! She's been waiting.

Back to a year ago. Mason's eyes are wolfy. Katherine comes to talk to him and Mason tells her about Jimmy attacking him. Katherine plays innocent and asks why. He thought Mason hit on Marla. Why would he think that? I bet it's because Katherine compelled him. They hug as Mason says that Jimmy is dead, he killed him. Katherine says everything is going to be okay, and smiles evilly.

Back to the present. Mason leans in to kiss Katherine. Katherine stops him. She is a stronger woman than I. She wants to know what that stunt was Mason pulled today with the Damon and Stefan. She says Damon's name first, which just seems weird if Stefan is the one she loves. Enough nitpicking. Mason thought she would be happy. Katherine told him to stay away from them. Mason wants to know why she even cares. Don't be jealous Mason, any girl would be hard pressed to choose between the three of you. My heart has enough room for all of you. Katherine doesn't want him distracted, she needs him to find the moonstone. Mason smiles like the Cheshire Cat and Katherine realizes he got it. Mason confirms. They kiss and it's pretty damn hot. Nina Dobrev is one lucky girl.

Next week there is no new episode, because the CW loves torture even more than Stefan and Liz combined. But I will be posting recaps from the first two episodes I haven't yet, so those who were not fortunate enough to DVR the old episodes or watch them online, you can refresh your memory here.


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